A Different Perspective on Scarcity Mindset and Responding to a Culture of Never Enough

Scarcitymindset

Note: This adapted post was first posted on the Darling Magazine blog summer of 2016. 

WHAT IS SCARCITY MINDSET?

Down to our DNA, we crave connection, adventure and a life of meaning and purpose. If you are living from a narrative fueled by scarcity mindset, the world can quickly become small, lonely and scary, shrouded in judgement and entrenched in the never-ending hustle for safety.

When we don’t believe we are enough – that we are doing enough, or that there is enough opportunity in the world for us – then a scarcity mindset is in the driver’s seat where you belong. Scarcity mindset is a cocktail of shame; it’s obsessive comparison and competition, and a disengagement from taking risks which may result in failure, being misunderstood or being seen as flawed. Living from a scarcity mindset leads to emotional exhaustion and constant distrust.

The following are warning signs that scarcity mindset is impacting your confidence. You…

Are in a constant state of comparison.
Find yourself wishing others do not succeed and are consumed by competition.
Find your worth and identity are externally motivated.
Feel worse about yourself after an interaction with someone in person or on social media.
Are constantly anxious but do not know why.
Are clinging to perfection as the ideal way of being/doing.

Becoming a wise consumer of information is crucial in our culture of ‘never enough.’ Relentless messages about whether you are enough, there is enough or your are doing enough takes a toll on the brain and the body. Scarcity mindset can hijack your confidence, your trust and confuse what you value by using the fear of disconnection and rejection as your guide on how to think and act. Marketers, advertisers and others desiring to get you to buy, vote, share, or believe are attuned to the psychology of human behavior, and are aware that a scarcity mindset is a powerful force of influence that allows fear and shame to be the leading emotions driving your decision making process.

Scarcity mindset can hijack your confidence, your trust and confuse what you value by using the fear of disconnection and rejection as your guide.

At the root of scarcity mindset is fear. Fear is an important and protective emotion, but too much fear can leave the nervous system in a constant state of hyper-vigilance, seeking immediate relief and comfort. This intense, emotional state chips away at the resilience needed to tolerate sitting in the space of suffering and struggle, and finding ways to grow from it.

Choosing to invest in relationships and dreams leaves all of us vulnerable to a scarcity mindset. Left unchecked, it infects our ability to trust and stay grounded in knowing that things will be okay, even when the outcome is uncertain. When self-worth becomes intertwined with what you do, look like or have, confidence disappears and the chase for the approval of others becomes the norm. Claiming the power and agency given to all of us is a crucial practice and a powerful resource in response to the messages of scarcity.

A NEW PERSPECTIVE ON SCARCITY MINDSET

Here is the curve ball on scarcity mindset: It has a noble cause. It’s trying to protect you from failure, rejection, being separated from needed connection. Scarcity mindset is actually a protective part of your inner world and is not to be loathed, fixed, or banished. It is one of the brain’s many ways of trying to keep you safe.

Most of the threats we experience these days are to our sense of self — keeping our nervous system on high alert. This is exhausting and can have a detrimental impact on your physical and emotional well-being. Scarcity mindset gets you to turn on yourself in an attempt to get safe.

When you develop confidence in the face of uncertainty, fear has a way of cleansing and clarifying – you become powerful instead of paralyzed. 

One question will help you get clarity and to the heart of how scarcity mindset is impacting your life today: What are you afraid of?

This self-awareness is crucial. When you take the time to be honest about your fears, you are then able begin the work to re-wire your brain’s responses to these threats. When you develop confidence in the face of uncertainty, fear has a way of cleansing and clarifying – you become powerful instead of paralyzed.

Scarcity mindset gets you to turn on yourself in an attempt to get safe. In her book, Presence: Bringing your Boldest Self to Your Biggest Challenges, Amy Cuddy, Ph.D. writes about the importance of claiming our personal power to stay grounded in our self-confidence:

“Personal Power is characterized by freedom from dominance of others. It is infinite, as opposed to zero-sum – it’s about access to and control of limitless inner resources, such as our skills and abilities, our deeply held values, our true personalities, our boldest selves…Personal power makes us more open, optimistic, and risk tolerant and therefore more likely to notice and take advantage of opportunities.”

HOW TO RESPOND TO SCARCITY MINDSET

It’s easy to over-identify with the pain and suffering we see around us. Approach the scarcity mindset part of you with curiosity and compassion. Confidence combined with the lens of common humanity — we are in this human journey together — reminds you to stay grounded in the truth that your imperfections, failures, mistakes and difficult life experiences are what unites us all. It is a part of being human.

Respond to self-critical thoughts with compassion and curiosity. Instead of viewing these thoughts at the enemy and something to be eliminated, recognize this part of your inner life is trying to protect you and serves a purpose.

On the hard days, give yourself permission to:

– Unfollow
– Unplug
– Reach out and connect with someone, in person
– Practice choosing respect, which may feel awkward and inauthentic at first
– Rest
– Move
– Get outside

Caution against seeing abundance as the opposite of scarcity – which is a common message in response to scarcity. As Brené Brown notes in Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent and Lead, “The counter approach to living in scarcity is not about abundance. In fact, I think abundance and scarcity are two sides of the same coin.” Chasing abundance only fuels scarcity mindset and the feelings of never enough.

Does a scarcity mindset sound familiar to you? What is is one way you can challenge yourself to live outside of fear?

Scarcity mindset is not going anywhere, especially in our information age where so much money is to be made by seeking quick fixes to the distress of not feeling enough. Fight to claim your power and confidence in this culture of never enough and know the space you create will be contagious. The world needs you to show up and be seen.

With gratitude –

Rebecca

 

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Consider making this one thing a priority in 2017…

therapy-couch-at-potentia

“The opposite of belonging is to feel isolated and always (all ways) on the margin, an outsider. to belong is to know, even in the middle of the night, that I am among friends.”

Peter Block in Community – The Structure of Belonging. 

At Potentia, we understand the deep need for all of us to find a place to belong. We also know first hand hand how easy it is to let parts of your story hijack your present and your future.

Our culture’s mixed messages around what it means to be well can fuel fears of being misunderstood, keeping many scared while rumbling in secret with stories of struggle, afraid of losing what matters most – connection.

Addictions, betrayal, mental health struggles, grief, trauma, perfectionism and shame touch all of us directly and indirectly through those we love and lead. Attempting to try and think yourself out of your pain often exacerbates the pain fueled by the barriers of stigma + access to resources – keeping way too many people in isolation.

Though struggle can trigger feelings of:

  • fatigue from stagnated attempts to heal
  • overwhelm
  • frustration
  • being trapped by the belief that change is not possible

it is easy to forget that struggle is not failure but a place of growth, wisdom. And every rumble to heal has a timeline of its own – so caution against comparing your struggle to the journey of others.

I know we are biased on this matter but we believe one of the best gifts you can give yourself and your loved ones is to make healing emotionally something to respect and value.

Our hope is that you will make your mental health a priority now and in the new year. Leaving mental health issues unaddressed will make it harder to achieve your goals, desires, dreams, and to find that sense of deep belonging within and with those in your life. 

Yes… the time, resources and energy that is needed to heal is nothing but tidy and streamlined – any quick fix plan offered to heal deep soul pain will fall short of you showing up day in and day out to do the messy work to heal.

Slower is often faster when it comes to mental health healing. Making mental health a priority in your life will help you show up in your life with more clarity, connection and confidence.

All of us at Potentia continue to invest our own time and resources studying, training, consulting and collaborating – along with supporting our own mental health –  so we can offer our clients and their families the best support. We also believe you play a crucial role in the process of changing the stigma around mental health issues. By doing your own deep soul work, you are leading by example. Your courage in this process will be contagious and inspire others to take the brave leap to ask for help.

We would be honored to help you and those you care for find relief and more meaning in life. If you are looking for resources outside of the San Diego area, check out the following sites to find support near you:

Psychology Today

edreferral.com

EMDRIA.org

Center for Self Leadership

The Daring Way™

Cheers to (re) Defining Health in 2017! Keep us posted on how we can be a resource for you.

With gratitude –

Rebecca

 

PS – We would love for you to come to our I Choose Respect Open House + Fundraiser on January 14th, 2017 from 4-7PM. Local artists and makers will be featured along with great food + community plus our I Choose respect photo booth as we prepare for our 4th annual I Choose Respect effort. Click on the image below to register!

 

icr-2017-open-house

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Living and Loving in a Culture of Never Enough

 

Respondingtopain

 

Preparing for my talk at Flood Church this weekend on “Parenting in a Culture of Never Enough”, I wrote this slide inspired by a week that stretched me with my own children.

Whether you are parenting your children, caring for your pets, or anyone in your charge – it hurts when your loved ones hurt.

Becoming a parent was not a life-long dream for me. I was wary at best. Then I met my husband and I took the dive into this role knowing he was a voice of reason and strength at my side. Now I am all in with two little people who expanded my heart and continue to stretch me in ways I did not know I could be stretched.

My husband and I found new edges in our relationship when our first child was diagnosed on the autism spectrum. While the diagnosis gave us a framework to understand her brain and nervous system, she was her own unique person who did not fit into any mold.

There is a saying within the autism community: If you have met one person with autism, you have met one person with autism.

Parenting a child on the autism spectrum may not be very different than parenting any other kid  – there are good days, hard days and days you can barely breathe.

However we get there, I believe we all can relate to the roller coaster of emotions involved in being responsible for a loved one.

This week took me to the ‘barely breathe’ edge as my daughter’s nervous system made wearing clothes, smelling certain smells, seeing anything she deemed “gross”, hearing sounds at a certain volume unbearable.

Everything hurt. What feels like a tap to you and me felt like a punch on her skin. Noises we barely notice were causing her to cringe.

And when that kind of assault on a nervous system is going on, she responds like most of us – fight and flight, but mostly fight. My girl can scream and turn on herself in an instant. It can be dizzying.

And when her brain goes into limbic mode, she has her own shame spiral to reckon with as she hates feeling different and doing things that may not respect herself or others.

It takes a lot of energy to hold space in these moments.

When those I care about hurt, I hurt.

Their hurts + my hurts intersect and in a millisecond my brain decides whether to let the feelings wash over me or go into fight, flight, freeze or numb out.

I love my passionate, deep, brilliant, brave daughter.

My love does not waver but I sure want to shrink from it when others give witness to her pain, my pain.

There is nothing cool, smooth, elegant about a public meltdown.

In a culture that says you are not: enough, doing enough, strong enough, Christian enough, calm enough, professional enough, wealthy enough, cool enough, skinny or fit enough, have-it-all together enough – the pressure can feel like something fierce.

It hurts to see my daughter misunderstood. I know it hurts her, too.

And my own stories of feeling misunderstood, ashamed and alone get activated during these times too – whether I know it in the moment or not.

Both of our nervous systems were hot messes this week.

My colleague Bobbi Hannah, an occupational therapist here in San Diego, sent me this chart after we recently were geeking out talking about the nervous system. She shared how the impact of too many “dings” on our nervous system can lead to us feeling flooded, shut down or taking measures to defend ourselves from more triggers.  I gave her an ‘amen’ as I see this so much in my daughter, myself and many of my clients.

This metaphor also fits with all I have learning in my EMDR training and other trainings + readings from people like Bessel van der Kolk, Dan Siegel, Richard Schwartz and more.

Dings

When we get enough dings on our nervous system, our hearts, our souls – we start to engage in protective choices which may not be aligned with our core values. Shame creeps in and we may begin to believe the lies of scarcity mindset which is a cocktail of shame, comparison, competition, fear and loneliness.

In those moments of feeling exposed, confused and helpless – it is a nervous system overload.

The shoulds, the supposed to’s, the rules, the plans – they can get all jumbled up between your loved one’s pain and your pain.

The default is to stop the pain of your loved one so you stop hurting – and sometimes we attempt to shut down this pain in ways that lead to some serious empathic failure.

Making the choice to stay calm, respectful and patient happens. But not as often as I would like. Frustration, fatigue and vulnerability can get the best of me during these times.

I suspect you can relate.

We all mess it up and want do overs.

But that is the awesome thing about grace and failure – we get to teach how to fall and fail well – and rise again after those moments where all we know to be true and right goes out the window as we jump to shut down the pain in ways that make everyone feel crappy.

How we handle struggle – our struggles and the struggles of those we love –  can potentially be powerful medicine for our relationships and communities if we dare to be vulnerable.

The pressure to never fail, mess up and make a mistake can be immense. Perfection says if you are not perfect, you are letting your loved one down.

But one of the biggest gifts we can do is show how we recover when we mess up.

THIS is the space of courage, grace, learning, inspiration and connection.

Yes, falls and failures invite the naysayers, the shoulders and the I-told-you-so voices.

Digging in and dealing with past and present hurts is ground zero for responding differently when the hurts of our loved ones collide with our hurts.

All of us on the Potentia team are honored to support people who desire to respond to differently to discomfort, pain and shame so not hurt themselves or others. Sometimes this work is nuanced and takes time. And sometimes it just takes a period of getting outside your head and finding out you are not alone in your struggles.

It is brave work loving people and navigating the messiness of real, honest, meaningful relationships. And when the dings get too much, remember you are not meant to struggle alone.

Daring to reach out and ask for help is a powerful example to model to those you care about. Keep showing up. The dark emotions are part of being human. And never forget we are all on this deeply human journey together.

With gratitude –

Rebecca

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Fat Talk Free Week 2013: Interview with Rebecca Bass-Ching, LMFT

Photo on 10-25-13 at 9.35 AM

Note from Erin Curlett, Potentia’s Marketing Communications Manager: Our final interview this week is with Rebecca. I wanted get her thoughts on some of the questions we have been asking in honor of Fat Talk Free Week 2013. Thanks for sharing some of your heart, Rebecca!

How do you define fat talk?

It often occurs when conversations foster bonding over critiquing their bodies or the bodies of others.

Where and when do you most often hear fat talk?

Where do I NOT hear it? The gym, at the meal table, at church, at schools, at parent meetings, on TV… Holidays, weddings, reunions, parties in general, when the weather warms up and we approach bathing suit season (which is mostly year round here in San Diego).

How do you respond to fat talk?

Gosh, it depends on the day and the circumstances — sometimes I am full of grace and tact and other days I can trend on the blunt side. Most of my friends know exactly how I feel about fat talk so when they bring it up, they usually are trying to rile me up or tease me. But when it is with people I do not have a previous relationship with, I try my best to redirect the conversation or just not participate.

What do you think are the roots of fat talk?

Shame, culture, anxiety, peer-groups, family of origin, temperament, unhealthy perfectionism, traumas/distressing life events

Where have you been surprised to encounter fat talk?

I think I have been the most bummed to hear it in faith communities that I run in. It really hurts my heart to hear people fat talk and mask it in the name of faith, holiness, or humility.

How have you struggled with fat talk in your life?

Oh my goodness, yes! When I was in high school and through my twenties was when it was the worst. My unhealthy drive for perfection really jammed up my ability to see my true worth and value for a while. But I am grateful for the gift of growing, healing, and falling in love with my amazing husband and two children which gave me a powerful perspective on what being enough really means.

What self-talk helps ground you in your true worth and value today?

When I am feeling particularly uncomfortable in my skin, I pause, take a breath, and ask myself what is really going on around me that triggered these dark thoughts. I can usually credit them to one or more of the following:

1) not enough sleep;
2) feeling disconnected from my husband;
3) not moving my body regularly or feeding it well;
4) over booking my schedule;
5) not spending enough meaningful time with God.

Once I take an inventory of the above, I make sure I take time to meet my needs for mind, body, relations, and soul. And sometimes I just have to jolt my brain by talking out loud and telling the fat talk thoughts to go to permanent time out — which is a g-rated version. 🙂

How have you seen the connection between disordered eating and fat talk?

Fat talk fans the flame of dieting and disordered eating. Once we lose site of our true worth and value and start buying into the lies of shame, fear, and the fat-phobic culture, obsessions about our looks, how we feed and move our body can become all-consuming.

How has being a mother changed your view of fat talk, if at all?

I am 100% committed to trying my best to have my words and actions match up. (NOTE: TRY) I am very fierce about not allowing any negative or obsessive talk about food, our bodies, or the looks and bodies of others. We also steer clear of praise, especially about looks, and instead reflect back to our kids how proud they must feel, how capable they must feel, etc. I talk about beauty in terms of character in addition to what is pleasing to the eye. When my daughter shares with her brother or when when she extends grace, I note how her choices just made her heart even more beautiful.

We also avoid commercials (which is so tricky when my husband is watching a game) and most TV shows. They are going to be exposed to so much more in culture as they get older but I am committed to making our home a safe zone from the toxic aspects of culture.

What are your thoughts on the current trend of sharing “fitspiration” images? Do these encourage a healthy body image or foster more fat talk?

“Fitspiration” is a wolf in sheep’s clothing and triggers fat talk big time. It can be like cocaine to the brain and can deplete your self-worth when you come down from the high. These images are most often photoshopped and they only fuel comparing, dissatisfaction, and feeling not enough. Yuck.

How do you help your clients combat fat talk?

I walk with them as they seek to heal their relationship with food, their body, and their story. I have found EMDR (eye movement desensitization reprocessing) to be so helpful when people are stuck with negative core beliefs, ie: I am broken, I am permanently damaged, I am not _______ enough, I am a failure and so on.

I work with Megan Holt, Potentia’s Coordinator of Wellness and Nutrition, to help support them in moving and feeding their bodies so their brain can get on their team and help push back on the lies and the noise of fat talk.

Lastly, we work a lot on what it is like to respect your body, even if you do not like it. This involves working on negative self-talk but also re-evaluating core relationships and boundaries.

Have you seen changes in your clients as they work to resist such negative self talk?

Yes! As they heal and draw on their amazing courage, it is truly incredible to witness their spark, hope, and healing as they push back on how culture defines health and redefine that definition to a creed that serves their true health in a sustaining and life-giving way.

How does your faith play a role in combating fat talk?

It has taken me years to finally really believe the truth about what God says about me. The kind of love, grace, forgiveness, and guidance He offers me blows my mind. I think finally trusting His words, His Truth has been medicine for my soul. Spending the last few years building my shame resilience skills and training to help others do that work has had a profound effect on shifting my core beliefs about myself on an even deeper level. I now know feeling bad, gross, like a failure, not enough is what I feel though not the truth. Now I can push back on those feelings and lean on God’s Truth, regardless of my emotional state. Some days are easier than others but whew, the freedom I feel from building my shame resilience super powers has been life-changing in my relationship with God.

What role do you see the church playing in combating fat talk?

I think the church could really play a significant role in combating fat talk. If the pulpit stopped being a place for fat talk, body shame, or buying into trendy diets in the name of holiness, that would be a good start. My dream is for pastors and their leadership teams to stop church-wide dieting and talking about numbers; to get educated on the disordered eating spectrum; to learn how to lead their congregation in a fast with sensitivity and awareness and be a safe place for those struggling with food and body issues. I have found some incredible leaders in the faith community leading courageously and boldly in these areas, but we still have a long way to go. One step at a time. One heart at a time.

Thanks so much for following along here on the blog and on Potentia’s Facebook page as we supported Fat Talk Free Week 2013. Thoughts? Any new insights or convictions? We would love to hear from you in the comments below. Stay connected and join our email list for blog updates and thoughts on how you can (re) define your definition of health.

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Taking a break from the “F” bomb talk – Are you in?

Starting tomorrow – October 21-25, 2013 – the Tri-Delta Sorority is hosting their annual “Fat Talk Free Week”.

Fat talk is when you make negative comments about your body or the body of someone else and is way too common in our culture. In fact, a 2011 study noted 93% women engage in fat talk.

Wow.

You have heard it and your probably have engaged in your own version of fat talk:

“Friend 1: My thighs are so big.
Friend 2: Oh my gosh. If your thighs are big, then mine are GINORMOUS.”

…and so it goes… the bonding over body bashing.

Fat Talk Free Week week may seem trivial, idealistic, even Pollyanna to some.

I have had many discussions with people on whether this type of awareness really makes a difference. I often hear something like the following:

“Rebecca, you need to lighten up. It is normal for people to talk negative about their bodies. And even if people take a break from talking badly about their body, they still with have their negative thoughts and feelings.”

True. But I believe a break from the collective voice of toxic self-loathing and vitriol attacks on the looks of self and others could do all of us some good.

Is stopping fat talk a cure to negative body image and subsequent disordered eating?

Nope.

But it is a movement I will gladly get behind because our words matter.

Never forget – people are listening to you what you have to say. You have power and impact on your surroundings with the words you choose to use when talking about yourself and others.

Do not underestimate the impact the off-hand comments you make about:

  • the latest crashing+burning celebrity
  • body changes in your friend
  • displeasure with how you feel about your own body

Fat talk fuels disordered eating, eating disorders, orthorexia, bad body image, depression and anxiety by fueling distrust, disengagement and fear.

Measuring your personal health solely on the image in the mirror, the opinions of others, the number on the scale or the size of your pants is a slippery slope to a dark place.

Buying into the shame narrative perpetuated about the unrealistic ideal of beauty and health does not protect – it only binds you more to the belief you are not enough.

True health looks different for everyone. Draw on your courage and push back on the norm of comparing, competing and attacking with abandon.

Nothing good comes of fat talk. Its attempt to create ease and to seek validation infects everyone within hearing distance.

This week, set yourself apart from the crowds, the 93%, and take a break from the fat talk.  Be an outlier.

Be a leader.

Change the conversation.

And join the movement to use your most powerful tool – your voice – and spend the next 5 days being mindful of how you talk about yourself and others.

Are you in?

This week we will feature some inspiring quotes on Potentia’s Facebook page. In addition, we will post some inspirational interviews here on the Potentia blog with friends of Potentia who are using the power of their voice to advocate for true health, true beauty and true worth.

Join the conversation and let us know your thoughts about fat talk and how it has impacted your life in the comments section below.

Cheering you on –

Rebecca

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Do you know your value?

plnu-conference-poster2013

For those of you in San Diego, we would love for you to join us for a time of reflection, connection and a break from the to-do lists, deadlines and have-to’s at PLNU’s Wonderfully Made Know Your Value Conference.

Sometimes you need to push back on noise between your ears and show up, connect, reflect, and lean in so you can be reminded you have something important to offer this planet.

Especially you. One-of-a-kind you.

And if you wrestle with the fear of being be seen in your not-enoughness, you are so not alone.

Yes, it is hard to be human. Our hard-wired desire for connection makes us vulnerable to heartbreak, disappointment, rejection, judgement, loneliness and more.

And often these distressing experiences can alter how you see yourself and those around you.

Core negative beliefs about yourself attack your perspective, purpose, worth and the meaning of your story.

Chronic struggles with feeling safe, overly responsible, and ashamed can lead to losing site of the agency you have and usher in a deep sense of self-loathing, hopelessness and confusion.

Energy is then spent on maintaining an image – masks – that are supposed to serve as a shield from the critics and feelings of vulnerability – but in fact keep you in bondage to fear and shame.

But I know you desire more. The light in your heart is a beacon of hope that you are defined by more than the number on the scale, the opinions of the collective other, the grades on your report card, the salary on your paycheck, the title on your business card.

Come join us on October 19th. Let your soul be refreshed. Register for free here.

And be reminded you are a person of value and we are all in this life together, trying/struggling/fighting/longing to figure out who the heck we are what we are supposed to do with our lives.

Cheering you on –

Rebecca

PS – If you want to dig deeper and experience sustaining change, please consider attending a (re) define courage workshop which is based upon the research of Brené Brown or set up an appointment to meet with one of Potentia’s psychotherapists and receive specialized support for your individual needs and goals.

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Weekend Wonderment: Inspiration from the Interweb 9/22/13

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Happy Weekend! Here is a dose of light, hope and courage to push back on darkness, cynicism and fear. And do not forget to laugh and breathe deeply.  Because it is good for your soul.

——–

Will.i.am + Sesame Street tell it like it is.

——–

Soap box issues alert! This article sums up the negative impact of weighing yourself frequently. If you are using your scale to make sure you are “ok”, you are probably giving the scale too much power over your mood and your wellness. What is keeping you from trusting your body? Reach out for specialized help if you find your worth and value are fused with the numbers on the scale

——–

I am sooo delighted with this new workbook by Mike Foster of People of the Second Chance.  I saw him speak earlier this year and his story, his passion for grace and for pushing back on unhealthy perfection filled my heart with joy. Stay tuned for some cool opportunities to through Freeway together as a Potentia community.  Yes. Please.

——–

Asking for help spikes our sense of vulnerability. We draw on courage to take that risk and open ourselves up to disappointment but also to love, blessings and grace. Some new research suggests we are not so good at assessing who will in fact respond positively to our request for help. Check it out and practice asking for help from the safe people in your life. Sometimes it is just about showing up and asking for help  – not whether people say, “Yes.” or “No.”

——–

Heart explosion. Love, patience, kindness and hockey.  Swoon.

——–

It’s ok to be different. It also takes courage to be different; to be you.

——–

Kid President giving a rallying cry for teachers and students. Yes indeed, go get your awesome on!

——–

In awe and wonder –

Rebecca

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Obsessing about eating healthy is not healthy.

1. Beware of using...

This morning my beloved cousin and life-long friend, Lissa Rankin, sent me an email noting a post she wrote for Mind Body Green, titled 10 Signs a Juicing Habit is Hiding an Eating Disorder.  In it, she addressed an issue near and dear to all of us who work at Potentia: when eating healthy can mask the serious emotional and physical issues of an eating disorder.

I am so grateful for her post as it is important to continue the discussion around this often lightning-rod issue. A continued conversation helps push back on a common narrative in our culture that if you do not meet the criteria for an eating disorder and you are eating whole, fresh, organic food, you don’t have a problem. But when lifestyle change leads to obsession, it is this narrative that can keep people stuck in an emotionally paralyzing state.

Obsessions are connected to a multitude of factors: low sense of worth, traumas/distressing life events, family of origin, temperament, and even under-nourishment. And many people are genetically loaded to be more vulnerable to obsessive-compulsive traits, which are found on the anxiety spectrum.

The obsession with eating healthy is called orthorexia.  Orthorexia is a sub-clinical term coined by Steven Bratmen, MD who is also the author of Health Food Junkies: Orthorexia Nervosa – Overcoming the Obsession with Healthy Eating. I will explore orthorexia more deeply in an upcoming post, but for now,  it’s enough to know that the problem is not simply about the food (I say “simply,” since we need to eat to live), but mostly about the obsessions and related impact on your life based on how you respond to your food obsessions.

Any obsession, whether it be with food or otherwise, can be mentally and emotionally crippling. When the desire to make lifestyle changes and improve how you feed yourself is taken to an extreme, it can lead to orthorexia and eventually develop into more debilitating disordered eating and eating disorders.

In her post, Lissa noted key signs you may be using juicing as a mask to your disordered eating.  Below, I add some additional thoughts to unpack the important message of Lissa’s post. And thank you again, Lissa, for keeping this discussion going. It is a hot topic for sure, but I am so grateful for the conversation!

Here are Lissa’s 10 signs that you (or someone you love) is masking an eating disorder with juicing or cleansing:

1. Your BMI, or body mass index, reveals that you are underweight or normal weight, yet you replace meals with juice regularly.

Additional Thoughts: Yes, many people who are experiencing discomfort from negative body image want to lose weight or change their body. Restricting helps decrease the anxiety of this distress by the endorphins that are produced when their body is not getting enough nourishment. At Potentia, we use the BMI lightly. For most people, it is not an accurate indicator of ideal weight range. Plus, your worth is more than a number. Connect with Megan Holt for a consult to learn more about determining your ideal weight range.

2. You’re terrified of gaining weight, even if your BMI is normal or underweight.

Additional Thoughts: Regardless of your BMI, the fear of gaining weight needs to be addressed. Even if losing weight would be helpful to your overall wellness, a number of markers will be taken into account – not just your BMI. Your labs, your activity, physical pain, how you feed yourself, illnesses, medications, stress, social and emotional support and current life situation are all taken into account.

3. Other people think you’re skinny, but what you see in the mirror is a big fat slob.

Additional thoughts: Regardless of what other people think, if the image in the mirror triggers obsessive thoughts and behaviors, it is time to get help. And to those who are friends with someone struggling, be careful about compliments and encouragements around looks. If your loved one is in deep with this struggle, she will have a hard time trusting your words.  Validating her struggle and encouraging her to get help is a very loving support without feeding the obsessions.

4. For women, skipping periods or not menstruating at all can be a sign that you’re not getting enough calories. The body is genius. If it thinks you’re not at a healthy enough weight to have a healthy pregnancy, your periods will disappear.

Additional Thoughts: Yes – your body is genius! Osteopenia can lead to re-occurring injuries and is a sign your body is struggling. Getting your period back does not mean the recovery work is done. Until you do the deep soul work to manage your anxiety, this cycle of obsessions is likely to continue.

5. You binge on unhealthy foods and then either induce vomiting, exercise excessively, misuse laxatives, or use juicing as a sort of penance to undo the damage.

Additional Thoughts: Binging does not just have to involve food deemed unhealthy. It can be any kind of food, even healthy food. Many people attempt to mask their shame of binging by eating food that is not shamed by our culture and “junk food”.  And on that note, there is room for all food, even something that is not organic, processed or corn-fed – if the majority of your body’s needs are met with whole, fresh and organic when available and affordable.

6. You embark upon juice fasts that last more than a week. For example, a month of nothing but juice just isn’t healthy.

Additional Thoughts:  Lissa referenced our popular Q&A post on juice fasts.  This is an important resource as you think about the meaning and the motivation of your cleanse or fast. Even if you do not have a clinical eating disorder but are struggling with body image issues or eating issues, we caution against trying a fast to help manage your emotional distress. This choice could send you to a dark place that could take years of recovery.

7. You find yourself avoiding meals out with friends and family “because I’m cleansing.”

Additional Thoughts: This is such  a common struggle for those with orthorexia.  When eating fuels isolation, this is a red-flag.

8. Other people worry about how often you skip meals or cleanse.

Additional Thoughts: When those who care about you are concerned, it is not because they are working against your goals for health and wellness. Your disordered eating thoughts want to isolate you and be your only friend. In truth, eating disorders are toxic BFF’s.

9. Being away from your juicer or a juice bar triggers anxiety or even panic.

Additional Thoughts: If you lose flexibility in your lifestyle, it is a warning you are becoming a slave to your eating patterns. This is not how we are called to live.

10. You obsessively weigh yourself, and change your cleansing behavior as a way to diet yourself back to your target weight.

Additional Thoughts: Your worth is more than a number and dieting does not work. No matter what you call it, trying to lose weight by restrictive eating will only set you up to regaining the weight, even more than you lost, sending you on the dangerous weight-cycling path of disordered eating.

What do you think about the obsession of eating healthy? Is it an important response to weight issues in our country? Have you or someone you cared about ever struggled with orthorexia?

Cheering you on as you (re) define your definition of health –

Rebecca

 

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Weekend Wonderment – Better Late Than Never!

1. Your Health -

No surprise those with weight issues are more vulnerable to developing eating disorders. As long as we make weight a primary factor in determining health – and rewarding weight loss over overall wellness – we are contributing to the serious food and body issues in our culture.

Spread the word: You cannot be replaced!

A refreshingly honest, hilarious, and a little bit frenetic look inside the tension of being seen, authentic and vulnerable.

Love this blog on everything rustic and vintage on a budget. I just scored some of their amazing mini bread boards. I plan on getting more for gifts. You can even have each board engraved with up to 10 letters.  Sweet!

This is inspiring me to get my creative via my i-Phone photos. Who knew creativity and tech could be so fun and easy?

I am SO grateful for this website as I now have both kids in school and my oldest is needing lunches everyday.  The lists of recommended lunch gear saved me hours of research and the meal ideas and pics help with quick and easy planning.  Exhale.

This is an important post on bright girls, bright boys, and (re) defining perfectionism and being good enough.

Props to Matt Knisley for the heads up this new platform for books.  While I will always be a fan of old school books-in-hand, I am embracing technology and books. Netflix for books: count me in!

Donald Miller never disappoints with his powerful and convicting words. Read and be challenged to be brave and love without conditions.

In Awe and Wonder –

Rebecca

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Discover the Power of Your Wanted and Unwanted Identities

1. I decided

I am ____________ (fill in the blank).

Many of you can finish the sentence above with a variety of descriptors and attributes. The core beliefs about your identity directly impact how you make decisions in your relationships, at school, work, and in life.

Culture, your family of origin, your faith community, schools, and places of work are constantly communicating messages about your worth and value.

Some of these messages are negative and challenge your ability to see your true worth and value.

And at some point, you start believing some of the negative messages shifting your lens on yourself and the world.

You are not alone. We all wrestle with negative core beliefs about our identity. Sometimes these negative beliefs are screaming at top volume between your ears while other negative beliefs are a quiet whisper that nag at you daily.

Regardless of the volume, inaccurate core identity beliefs can lead to unsafe and broken relationships, isolation, eating issues, addictions, chronic pain, depression, and anxiety.

Usually our negative beliefs come from experiences in our story and have taken root in our brains in an effort to keep us safe but end up working against us.  Most of these negative beliefs fall into one of the following categories:

  • I am not enough/I am not _____ enough
  • I am not not safe
  • I am not capable/in control

Our upcoming (re) define Identity workshop will help you:

  1. identify your ideal and unwanted identities
  2. build awareness on how you respond when you are seen in ways you desire and fear
  3. narrow down the core negative beliefs that are keeping you stuck in your relationship with yourself, God, and others, launching you into the process of reclaiming your true identity, worth, and value.

For those seeking to dig deeper and and get unstuck with struggles around your core identity, I recommend finding a practitioner certified (or in process of certification) in EMDR.  This is a powerful psyhchotherapeutic approach that has changed the way I conceptualize cases, approach trauma and all distressing life events.  You can find a local practitioner in your area here.

Space is limited at our upcoming (re) define Identity workshop on September, so register soon if you are interested.

ReDefineIdentity

We cover this material more extensively in our cornerstone Workshop: (re) define Courage: Dare to Show up+Be Seen (formerly Cultivating Courage).

redefine-courage-slide

Our September Weekend Intensive has sold out but there are still spots available in the Nov 1-3 weekend intensive.  January dates for weekend intensives and weekly workshops will be going live soon.  Sign up here to be the first to know about these dates.

 

Enjoy the last days of summer and all the best to those transitioning back to school!

Rebecca

 

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