Weekend Wonderment: Inspiration from the Interwebs 9/15/13

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“Being courageous requires faith.” Heartfelt words from a mother of a Sandy Hook victim to teachers and school employees as they start their school year.  Wow.

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“Failing forward means using mistakes or failures in the service of moving ahead.” via Karen R. Koenig.  And if you have not checked out Karen’s workbook, Food and Feelings: A Full Course Meal on Emotional Health, it is a worthy resource on your bookshelf.

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“It’s hard: to keep your eyes on your own paper; to not want what others have; to detach from outcomes.” Parenthood, unhealthy perfection, and faith all collide in this lovely, sweet, tender post by Andrea Mauer.

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Never underestimate the power you have on those who cross your path in life.  Moving ad captures this sentiment beautifully.  Have some tissues nearby.  You have been warned.

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Are we passing down to the next generation the relentless pursuit of perfection? On parenthood, the pressures of high school students today, work and juggling it all – this provocative interview with Debora Spar, president of Barnard College and the mother of three children, touches on a lot of tender/lighting rod issues around parenting, working and being a woman.

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1. Settling + Starting

Sometimes we hesitate to start deep soul work because we are uncertain of the out come or how long it will take to reach our desired outcome. Trauma and distressing life events – and if you have been through middle school, you have had a distressing life event – can keep us stuck in fear, uncertainty, depression, loneliness, unhealthy perfection and enslaved to the opinions of others. EMDR is a wonderful to support for many who are stuck and the quick fixes are not working. Find a specialized therapist you trust and feel understood and start. This may be one of the most important seasons in your life.

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In Awe and Wonder –

Rebecca

Weekend Wonderment 8.24.13

This was a week where the topic of loneliness went viral. Check out this incredible 3-D perspective on loneliness in our very “connected” world.

And here is a spot on article noting how loneliness is a bigger threat to our health than weight issues.  Truth.

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Raw, real and gloriously authentic, Dr. Brené Brown talks church.

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Interesting, informative insights on anxiety, eating disorders and schizophrenia.  Increased understanding about the spectrum of mental illness will ensure more people get the help they need.

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Swoon over this mash up of “Brave” by Sara Bareilles (a personal favorite) and Katy Perry’s new song, “Roar”.  Watch, be awed and left with a big smile on your face.

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An apology letter from a former weight loss consultant stirred up a lot of chatter on the interweb. Provocative, sincere, honest, this letter offers a unique perspective from the heart of the diet industry.

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Back to school must haves: These adorable “gentle reminders” pencils would be a wonderful gift to a student you know heading back to school or for anyone needing some fun encouragement.  And I am loving this sweater that screams fall in my favorite color.  How cool that you can have it custom made to fit you.  I am in line to order mine this week.

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Busy is the new “fine” but we are living at a pace that is unsustainable.  It is time to (re) define success and make wellness a priority as we follow our dreams and passions.

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My husband and I have been having so. much. fun with this cookbook.  I love Deb Perelmen’s blog, too.  Her latest post is full of peaches, glorious peaches which is appropriate for National Peace Month. She always uses real food that never sacrifices flavor with simple techniques = pure palette joy.

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Just because.  🙂

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In awe and wonder –

Rebecca

Discover the Power of Your Wanted and Unwanted Identities

1. I decided

I am ____________ (fill in the blank).

Many of you can finish the sentence above with a variety of descriptors and attributes. The core beliefs about your identity directly impact how you make decisions in your relationships, at school, work, and in life.

Culture, your family of origin, your faith community, schools, and places of work are constantly communicating messages about your worth and value.

Some of these messages are negative and challenge your ability to see your true worth and value.

And at some point, you start believing some of the negative messages shifting your lens on yourself and the world.

You are not alone. We all wrestle with negative core beliefs about our identity. Sometimes these negative beliefs are screaming at top volume between your ears while other negative beliefs are a quiet whisper that nag at you daily.

Regardless of the volume, inaccurate core identity beliefs can lead to unsafe and broken relationships, isolation, eating issues, addictions, chronic pain, depression, and anxiety.

Usually our negative beliefs come from experiences in our story and have taken root in our brains in an effort to keep us safe but end up working against us.  Most of these negative beliefs fall into one of the following categories:

  • I am not enough/I am not _____ enough
  • I am not not safe
  • I am not capable/in control

Our upcoming (re) define Identity workshop will help you:

  1. identify your ideal and unwanted identities
  2. build awareness on how you respond when you are seen in ways you desire and fear
  3. narrow down the core negative beliefs that are keeping you stuck in your relationship with yourself, God, and others, launching you into the process of reclaiming your true identity, worth, and value.

For those seeking to dig deeper and and get unstuck with struggles around your core identity, I recommend finding a practitioner certified (or in process of certification) in EMDR.  This is a powerful psyhchotherapeutic approach that has changed the way I conceptualize cases, approach trauma and all distressing life events.  You can find a local practitioner in your area here.

Space is limited at our upcoming (re) define Identity workshop on September, so register soon if you are interested.

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We cover this material more extensively in our cornerstone Workshop: (re) define Courage: Dare to Show up+Be Seen (formerly Cultivating Courage).

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Our September Weekend Intensive has sold out but there are still spots available in the Nov 1-3 weekend intensive.  January dates for weekend intensives and weekly workshops will be going live soon.  Sign up here to be the first to know about these dates.

 

Enjoy the last days of summer and all the best to those transitioning back to school!

Rebecca

 

Weekend Wonderment: Inspiration from the Interweb

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Be the Gift.  Give yourself the gift of forgetting about yourself, the to-do lists, the plans, the appointments, the shoulds and have-tos. Thank you, Ann, for this heartfelt reminder. I needed it this weekend.

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Never, ever, ever forget: You are Loved. Thanks to Jeanne Oliver Designs for bringing this to my attention.  Blessed.

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Beautiful, grounding, convicting.  Read this and then take note where you feel your heart tugged to redirect how you spend your time today.

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Yes, let’s change the world for Greyson, my daughter, all kids.

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Darling is taking orders for their fall issue.  Order now and receive their latest print magazine full of beautiful photo shopped-free pictures, lovely words printed on gorgeous paper and receive the digital version as a free bonus.

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Here is more brilliance from Barn Owl Primitives (where I purchased the We Can Do Hard Things sign seen as you enter my therapy office). These are words that I want to flow out of my heart to my kids – especially during this season of preparation for and transition to school and the big, big world.  May we all live these words and not just say them. Actions indeed speak louder than words.

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No, juicing is not an eating disorder but for some it can be a disordered eating ritual masked in the spirit of healthful living. I appreciate this honest and humorous perspective of a world where the efforts to be healthy are sometimes a bridge to orthorexia (the obsession with eating healthy) and, well, deep hunger.  Now head over to Kayla’s Q&A with Megan on juice cleanses for some facts on this practice.

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A common area of struggle I see in my office is managing the in-betweens of life: relationships, jobs, school, physical health, and so on. Jeff Goins’ new book will encourage and challenge you to savor your in-betweens. The tension created in times of waiting can be the catalyst for our best art, so slow down and do not rush your in-betweens.

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In awe and wonder –

Rebecca

Stretch (and Breathe) Into Your Comfort Zone

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In three weeks, will host the third installment of our Seasons of Life Workshop series. I often joke and say once the month of September has finished the year is done! Time seems to go into warp speed with holidays, school activities, work, and celebrations. This lovely workshop led by our Yoga Coordinator, Kelly Schauermann, will help ground you as you kick off your fall season.

Who should register?

This workshop is for anyone who desires a couple of hours of peace, reflection, connection, and rest.

Why should you attend?

It is valuable to look back and reflect on what you have learned so far this year.  This workshop will help you focus on how you can harvest and implement this new knowledge as you turn the corner into a fast-paced fall season.

What makes this workshop unique?

The tools used in the Seasons of Life yoga workshop are gentle stretches and beginner yoga poses, small group and personally focused reflections, mindful breathing, and journal writing. Participants can enjoy a warm cup of tea or a refreshing glass of water and snacks after the workshop.  Those who attend will also receive personal support from Kelly, who is an incredibly experienced and skilled instructor passionate about ensuring every participant feels safe and comfortable.  She often adds special touches to each of her workshops, customized to those participating.

What should you bring?

Please bring your own mat, blankets and any supportive props you may use if you have a yoga or stretching practice. And if you do not have a mat or props, no problem! Just let Kelly know as she has a few extras for you to use.

Make sure to register soon since there are limited spots available. Also, the final installment in our Seasons Of Life Workshop in November is open for registration, so you can guarantee your space now by clicking here.

And for every workshop you register for in the month of August, you receive one entry to win a $100 gift card to Anthropologie.  Fun!

Questions?  Contact Kelly at kelly@potentiatherapy.com

Breathing Deeply and Exhaling Slowly (at least trying really hard to do this more often!) –

Rebecca

What Drives Your Hustle for Worthiness?

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If we spend a lifetime trying to distance ourselves from the parts of our lives that don’t fit with who we think we’re supposed to be, we stand outside of our story and have to hustle for our worthiness by constantly performing, perfecting, pleasing, and proving.

Brené Brown – Hustle for Worthiness

You are living your life on the sidelines when you:

  • are trying to make sure everyone approves of you.  “Everyone” has differing views, opinions, and needs, so it is exhausting to try and keep “everyone” happy.  And since it is impossible to please “everyone”, the hustle is perpetuated.
  • are hiding parts of your story for fear of rejection and judgement. Your story is YOUR beautiful mess and glory-of-a-story. When you deny speaking and living your story and delegate your worth to “everyone” else, you end up missing out on true connection, healing, and joy.
  • are avoiding dealing with deep soul pain (or even surface wounds) for fear it will leave you alone or cause you more pain. Hustling for worthiness is an excellent numbing agent to fear, shame, pain, and keeps you from reaching out and asking for help. But this hustle is not sustainable and can become a gateway to some serious issues emotionally, physically, relationally, and in your faith journey.
  • believing the lies that you are not worthy of love and belonging.  This is the ultimate lie of shame.  And when this belief is driving the motivation behind your thoughts and actions, then you are living life on the sidelines but deeply longing for a sense of worth and belonging  – for which you are hardwired.

Our upcoming Hustle for Worthiness Encore Workshop on September 13 will help you develop a better understanding of what drives your own personal hustle. Register to soon to reserve your spot – it usually sells out quickly!

HFW at Potentia

At this workshop, we gather together to view an exclusive video of Brené Brown sharing her powerful research on perfectionism, shame, and vulnerability. Participants enjoy a lovely spread of food, a stocked art bar for creative inspiration, and a journal to use to take notes and document reflections.

What makes this workshop unique?

Hustle for Worthiness is different from our other workshops in that it intentionally does not have a lot of structure.  This is our introductory workshop offered in a safe and casual community. The video we show is not available for purchase, so this is one of the few venues in which you can view it.

Who should register? 

A lot of people attend this workshop because of their connection to me, one of the members of the Potentia team and/or their connection with Brené’s powerful message.

Friends, family, significant others are welcome. You do not have to be a client of Potentia to attend.  Part of the power of this work is that it brings us together. Connection and community help you put into practice your shame resilience skills.

If you have mustered up the courage to come alone, please say hello.  I think you’re freakin’ amazing! Just the act of showing up to a group where you will be seen is vulnerable and brave and proves you are tired of living your life on the sidelines.

Is this workshop only offered in San Diego?

For those of you in SoCal, I would love to see you at our next Hustle for Worthiness Workshop.  It usually sells out, so make sure to register soon if you would like to join us.

If you do not live in the area, I am happy to connect you to someone in The Daring Way community who could facilitate a workshop for your community. Just send me an email at rbass@potentiatherapy.com.

Every time our Potentia team hosts this workshop, I find it truly magical to see people take in Brene’s words and feverishly write down the powerful nuggets that spoke to them. Expect to exhale deeply, laugh out loud, and elbow your friend knowingly. It happens every time!

Note: HFW alumni who want to bring a friend, your registration fee is on me.  Just email me at rbass@potentiatherapy.com as I only have a limited number of slots available for alumni.

Desire to dig deeper?  There are several other mini workshops coming up this fall that offer a more structured flow and will provide action and insight as you seek to refine your shame resilience skills.

And SoCal locals and out-of-towners alike, please consider joining us at one of our (re) define Courage: Dare to Show Up + Be Seen Weekend Intensives.  The September workshop is sold out, but we still have space for our November 1-3 event.  Our schedule for the 2014 Workshops and Weekend Intensives will be posted soon.  Sign up for our (re) Define Courage email list to be the first to know about these dates.

Cheering you off the side lines of your life –

Rebecca

PS – And do not forget to register soon if you want to attend.  This workshop is expected to sell out. And for every workshop you register for in the month of August, you receive an entry to win a $100 Anthropologie gift card.

 

 

The Dark Side to Celebrating Eating Contests

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For the last several years, I have started writing posts about the mixed messages of celebrating eating contests and the dangerous impact reverberated by these mixed messages – but I have never finished them.  This year, I am pushing back on my unhealthy perfectionism and finishing a post I started earlier this month.  I hear the PR voice in my head saying it is too late and the peak for sharing this has passed. 
Well, so be it.

The fourth of July is one of my favorite holidays. I am a fireworks fanatic and this year we brought both of our kids to watch the glorious display of firework fun in the sky. This holiday is a lovely time to rest,  play, and celebrate.

But one tradition around this holiday frustrates and concerns me: Nathan’s Annual Hot Dog Eating Contest and the many iterations that have followed its popularity. Some of my friends and family think I am a bit of a buzzkill for not being a fan of this kind of eating. Such is my life as an eating disorder specialist – I cannot unlearn what I know about the physical and emotional dangers of binge eating and Binge Eating Disorder (BED).

What is Binge Eating Disorder?

I like this write up by the Mayo Clinic staff on BED:

You may have no obvious physical signs or symptoms when you have binge-eating disorder. You may be overweight or obese, or you may be at a normal weight. However, you likely have numerous behavioral and emotional signs and symptoms, such as:

  • Eating unusually large amounts of food
  • Eating even when you’re full or not hungry
  • Eating rapidly during binge episodes
  • Eating until you’re uncomfortably full
  • Frequently eating alone
  • Feeling that your eating behavior is out of control
  • Feeling depressed, disgusted, ashamed, guilty or upset about your eating
  • Experiencing depression and anxiety
  • Feeling isolated and having difficulty talking about your feelings
  • Frequently dieting, possibly without weight loss
  • Losing and gaining weight repeatedly, also called yo-yo dieting

After a binge, you may try to diet or eat normal meals. But restricting your eating may simply lead to more binge eating, creating a vicious cycle.

(Notation from Rebecca: Many fall somewhere along the spectrum of BED. You do not need to have all of these symptoms to struggle with the issue. Denial, minimizing, and rationalizing often keep people from getting the help they need because they do not feel like it is that serious.)

5 reasons eating contests hurt our collective psyche around food

1. Eating contests give the impression that binge eating is always a choice. As of May, Binge Eating Disorder is now a clinical diagnosis in the new DSM-V. This is a huge victory for those who struggle with these issues along with those who are passionate about treatment and advocacy. Prior to BED officially being placed in the DSM -V, there was a lot of controversy around whether this diagnosis should be included; many thought this diagnosis was making excuses for those making bad choices. If this struggle was simply fixed by a choice, there would not be millions of people struggling with this serious issue. Addressing core issues such as attachment wounds, anxiety, depression, distressing life events and traumas, perfectionism, shame, and identity issues are at the heart of this struggle, not a simple choice. The choice available to those with BED is reaching out and asking for helping instead of staying stuck in the cycle of shame, pain, isolation, and physical distress.

2. Eating contests make BED and related behaviors a joke and sport to many. We laugh. We cringe. We build up the hype. It is a business and we are buying into it. This recent Forbes post on whether eating contests should be considered a sport noted:

“While spectators question the validity of such a label, its organizers say there is no confusion – competitive eating is a serious business in the world of sport.”

Man Vs. Food with Adam Richman (I confess, I adore Adam — he is so endearing!) is a perfect example of eating as sport. Adam travels to a new town each episode to discover a city’s best sandwich or meal and then engages in a restaurant’s food challenge by eating an insane amount of food in a designated time period. People are around him cheering him on as he takes his body on a dangerous episode of binge eating — for all the world to watch.

But my work with people on the disordered eating spectrum has taught me food competitions do great harm to our collective understanding of eating disorders and related health issues. This double standard keeps people struggling with BED spectrum in silence, fear of reaching out for help and making binge eating behaviors a joke. A sport.
Binge Eating Disorder is not a sport. Though many who participate in these eating contests may not fit the clinical diagnosis of BED, many of the behaviors mirror this serious illness. When we make binge eating cool to watch, we decrease the seriousness of this issue. It is time to stop the jokes and change the dialogue around this issue.

As long as we are watching, cheering on, and participating, eating contests will be good for business. And bad for health – mind, body, and soul.

3. Binge eating is very hard on your body. If you have ever seen the line-up at Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest, you can see a representation of different ages, genders, and sizes of those who down dozens of hot dogs in a matter of minutes. Physically, binge eaters are at risk for developing: type 2 diabetes, gallbladder disease, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, heart disease, certain types of cancer, osteoarthritis, joint and muscle pain, gastrointestinal problems, sleep apnea, and other related health concerns. Professional binge eaters have the same health risks as those who are clinically struggling with BED. This is not something to be celebrated or perpetuated.

4. We have become obsessed with talking about food and eating contests just add to this unhealthy obsession. Food is personal and how we choose to feed ourselves is a very vulnerable topic. How we eat, what we eat, when we eat, and where we eat are all hot topics that can breed food shame and discord instead the joy of breaking bread with family and friends. Eating contests (and most reality shows for that matter) encourage us to become professional judgers and blamers. We talk about “good food vs. bad food” as if we are talking about sinning or staying pure; we Instagram our meals with a sense of awe and worship; the latest trends in eating, dieting, health dominate the majority of our conversations. We are obsessed with food. This obsession masks core issues of identity, worth, shame while fueling anxiety and depression. And the resistance to looking deeper is intense – understandably as it is much easier to talk about food than the messy, vulnerable, deep soul stuff.

5. Eating contests are a waste of food when so many are food insecure in our country and our world. In our country alone, food insecurity impacts about 15% of households. I often wonder about the positive impact companies and businesses that promote eating contents could make if they took their resources of time and money and fought hunger instead. We can change this demand by choosing not to watch and not to participate – which will shift how companies spend their advertising dollars.
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Post your feedback below and let me know what you think about eating contests? Do you think binge eating is just a choice?  I look forward to your thoughts on this controversial subject.

Happy belated 4th of July (take that perfectionism!)  –

Rebecca

Five Year Celebration and a Giveaway

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Potentia Celebration and Summer Giveaway!

5 years ago today, Potentia Family Therapy, Inc. was officially incorporated in the state of California. After writing a (big) check to the state, I was given a fancy binder with some very official paperwork. I had a notebook full of ideas and dreams. My first child was a little over two months old, my husband was moving to a new school, and life as I knew it was very different.  Blessed, full, and amazingly different.

Five years later, my family has grown from one to two kids, my husband has expanded the AP History program at his school (and is moving to a new AP prep this fall) and Potentia is now in a gorgeous space –  home to a team of incredible professionals dedicated to helping people heal their relationships with food, their bodies, and their stories.

At Potentia, our team has high standards of care. We believe our clients deserve:

  • the best in clinical, legal, and ethical practice
  • respect
  • dignity
  • hope
  • healing (in their own time)
  • safe community
  • authentic connection

Words cannot do justice to the courage, the sacrifice, the character, the growth, and the miracles we get to witness at Potentia. Thank you to my friends, family, colleagues, mentors, contractors, and all those who have helped shaped Potentia from dream to thriving practice. You all simply amaze me. (You rock!) I am also grateful for this calling God has put on my heart which daily strengthens my faith.

As we launch several new groups and workshops for the fall, we are also continuing our behind-the-scenes plans to make Potentia’s approach to (re) defining health available to people outside the San Diego area. Stay tuned…

But for now, we want to celebrate Potentia’s birthday! And what is a birthday without gifts?

Head over to Potentia’s Facebook Page and leave your birthday wishes to Potentia under the birthday post to enter into our birthday giveaway. Three winners will be chosen at random to receive a special mid-summer gift bag including a copy of Darling Magazine’s summer issue (which contains an article I was honored to contribute), sunscreen, lip gloss, a towel, and some other cool Potentia schwag.

Comments received up until 11:59PM today  – July 16th, 2013  – will be eligible for an entry.  UPDATE: We are extending this one more day until 11:59PM July17th.  Yay!

On behalf of the Potentia team (me, Megan, Molly, Kayla, Nicole, Kelly, Alyson), thank you for being a part of the Potentia Community.

Cheers, confetti, and hugs galore!

Rebecca
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It is so hard…

Some days...
Some days…

On my way to Potentia earlier this week, I listened to an interview on NPR with Dr. T Berry Brazelton.  He is known as the “baby whisperer” and has been a go-to resource for parents for six decades.  You can catch the whole interview here.

Towards the end of the interview, Dr. Brazelton shared about an encounter with a women in a grocery store.

It took my breathe away.

Dr. Brazelton saw a women struggling with her 2 year old while grocery shopping.  The mother then began hitting her screaming child.  In seeing this, Dr. Brazelton walked up to the mother and said, “It is so hard… to take a two year old to the grocery store.”

After those words, the mother immediately started to cry.  She held her toddler and they began to reconnect and repair.  The child even started to wipe the tears off of his mother’s face.

Whoa.

“It is so hard…”

This story gripped me in so many ways.

Spoken words in time of vulnerability, fatigue and overwhelm were medicine for this mom.

Instead of judgement, she received compassion.
Instead of chastising, she received kindness.

And healing began immediately between mother and child.

I was so touched and convicted listening to the recollection of this story  – as I have been judged and can also be the judger.

I have felt the judgements, seen the eye rolls and heard the whispers of critique about me or my children.

I have also stepped on my high-horse of “I am right. You are wrong.” when all someone needed was a hug and to be heard.

At Potentia, I regularly hear about experiences of condemnation, self-loathing, rejection, isolation, abandonment and the aftershocks these experiences have left on their hearts – rocking their souls.

It takes immense courage to speak of such pain.  It is so hard…

  • being a parent
  • recovering from food and body issues
  • sitting in the aftermath of a failed marriage or relationship
  • feeling lonely and disconnected
  • trying to heal from depression, anxiety
  • being the person you are called to be
  • taking a stand
  • feeling like no one understands
  • asking for help
  • giving the undeserved gift of grace
  • receiving the undeserved gift of grace
  • believing you not an exception to God’s grace, love and sacrifice
  • not letting shame corrode your sense of worth and purpose
  • healing from sexual, emotional, physical abuse
  • forgiving yourself for being relentless in beating yourself up.

It is so hard to be human.

When times are tough, self care is down and the worst parts of ourselves come to the surface – we can feel unlovable, make bad choices, do harm to self or others.

And in those moments, we can choose to add to someone’s pain or help relieve it.

When we find ourselves in the dark zone of the messiness of life and are offered the hand of grace through kind words or gestures, we can choose to receive it instead of shutting down.

I think what made Dr. Brazelton’s words so powerful and able to penetrate this woman’s heart was his sincerity and the tone of his voice.  He was disarming and genuine. Not condescending or patronizing.

But by the grace of God can I strive to live a life that facilitates healing and forgive myself promptly when my quick tongue rises up to judge someone or myself. 

These words: grace, compassion, kindness – are words we are all drawn too.  But to really live these words and put them into action takes guts. And tenacity.  And the willingness to mess up and not be perfect.

I see this courage and determination in my office everyday.  I see it in my kids and in my husband.

Just imagine someone approaching you with respect and kindness during a time of exposed “raw and real”.

Double Whoa.

And what if we stopped the eye-rolling, the judgemental thoughts, the whispers under our breathe but still loud enough to be heard?

And think of what our little worlds of influence would be like if we REALLY lived grace instead of judging and the distancing “tsk tsks”.

Whoa explosion.

We judge in the areas we are most vulnerable. Fear drives these kinds of judgements.  Getting clear on your vulnerabilities can help you be a vessel for healing in your own life and in the lives of those around you.

Giving compassion to self and others+receiving the undeserved gift of grace is like a cool glass of water on a hot day.

We are all in the desert doing the best we can.

It is so hard.  Trust me.  I know.

I may not know your specific experience but I know what it is like to be out there, exposed, afraid and broken.

And I am where I am at today because I have received from others, myself and God the permission to be a hot mess and find redemption in my mistakes.

Self-loathing is culture’s homeostasis and it is simply not sustaining.

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It takes living from a place of love, confidence, selflessness and respect to be the person to give compassion as Dr. Brazelton did.

And love bombs like the one Dr. Brazelton dropped on the mother in the grocery story can create sustaining change in our world.

I have received love bombs this week from my friend Madison who came to help out my family while my husband was on a work trip.  And words of affirmation came my wayvia  emails from Nancy and Lauren and a voice mail message from Marc  – all of which brought tears to my eyes.

I was struck at how their kind word and gestures were difficult to receive.  But I sat with their love bombs – and they quenched my thirst to be seen and understood.

So my challenge to you this week is this: drop some love bombs in your world of influence. At least three.

Your love bomb may be an email to someone, a phone call, a text. You may go old school and write a letter.  Whatever you do, keep these words in mind: It is so hard…  And remember – Less is more.  Tone is key.  Let empathy  – not distancing sympathy – guide you.  And let us know about your experiences in the comments below.

I would also love to know about any love bombs that have been dropped on you lately.  Were they hard to receive?  How did you receive them?

Cheering you on –

Rebecca

PS. Potentia’s cornerstone workshop  – Cultivating Courage – is an incredible place to get clear on your vulnerabilities, work on rewiring judgements and building resilience to shame.  We believe this work is a game-changer in how we do all aspects of life.  I would love to see you at one of our future workshops.  Please email me at rbass@potentiatherapy.com with any questions or post them below.

How are you dealing with your fears and doubts?

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Last week, two women I think the world of personally and professionally, Tara Gentile and Brigitte Lyons, wrote to their list of business owners and thought leaders about how fear, anxiety, and the “not enough” storyline can hold us back from living out our purpose; our calling.  I am grateful for their words on a topic so dear to my heart.

Brigitte took my breathe away when she asked this powerful question in her last email,

“Are you letting fear keeping you from being found?”

And Tara had me saying, “Amen” out loud after I read these words:

“The stories we tell are the stories of the people we serve. But all too often we pay more attention to parroted beliefs and limiting thoughts than the actual, expansive stories that are playing out in front of us, with us.”

I have learned first hand your personal belief about yourself can nourish or kill creativity and the clarity on your calling.

So I am writing this post to all of you who are not writing, creating, launching, leading, speaking, not showing up because fear, anxiety and negative core beliefs are keeping you from living your purpose.  I am writing to all of you who are afraid of being found.

Sometimes it is hard to discern between rationale fear and irrational fear.

  • Rational fear keeps us safe from death or harm.
  • Irrational fear tells us we will die or be greatly harmed but it is not based in fact – even though every brain cell firing tells us to stop, freeze, numb out and hide.

Sure, you can push back on irrational fear and its first cousins: anxiety, worry, stress which feed the “not enough” thoughts.

But changing the narrative of “not enough” is not always a simple switch to flip.  And leaning on sheer willpower is not a sustaining source of change. When the willpower fuel tank runs out, shame and fear are the fumes that run our lives if we are not careful.

Trust me.  I  have lived seasons of my life on sheer willpower and these toxic fumes only to get burned out and crash hard.

Three years ago, I began to make plans to move Potentia from just a website to having a collaborative practice of specialized, highly trained professionals all under one roof in a space that felt safe, homey and inspired healing and creativity.

I had also recently given birth to our second child and had a lot of big dreams burdening my heart but struggled with finding the space and the systems to execute them.

I was full of joy but at the same time I also hit a wall with my own expectations of myself.  Then the green monsters of jealousy, envy and perfectionism took hold and it got pretty ugly in my brain and soul.  Given my season of life, I was tired and did not have the usual freedom to connect with my support system.

Where there is isolation, shame and doubt have a party.

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I was my own worst enemy as God continued to prod at my my heart for me to trust Him and His leading of me and this dream He had given me.

God trusted me with this dream.  I just did not trust myself.

I have found that the “never enough” belief is able to be diminished but if you are driven, desire excellence and have big dreams, then it never really goes away.  This is a vulnerable and tenuous space to hold in your heart and mind.

I saw this tension in my previous careers in politics, advertising, international youth work and see this tension now in my work with my clients – many of which are filled with an entrepreneurial spirit as business owners, corporate executives, ministry leaders, creatives, educators, therapists.

Developing a practice of community, connection and self-care is a non-negotiable for any creative, dreamer, leader, parent, business owner ie: human.

And this is a life long practice.

This practice is one of shame resilience.  A practice cultivating courage so we can all dare to show up, speak truth, ask for help, take a break, write the check, say yes, say no, press publish, send the email.

Managing fear and doubt is still not easy but these emotions sure as heck do not blind-side me like they used to.  Studying disordered eating, trauma/distressing life events and shame resilience have had a profound impact on my own life.

As Brené Brown regularly says, “You study what you need to know.”

Truth.

And I love supporting my clients and those in the Potentia community in their goals to (re) define health in their own life personally and professionally. Healing distressing life events, food and body issues, traumas and family of origin wounds are not indulgent but often necessary in order to have courage to bench leading, loving, dreaming, launching.

Your fears, worries and negative beliefs are not the enemy.  How you respond to them is what jams you up.

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Learning how to bench negative and intense emotions is key so these emotions can help inform you instead of paralyze you.

Potentia is offering three options to attend a Cultivating Courage Weekend Intensives this year so you can improve your ability to manage negative and intense emotions, identify and re-author the narratives of negative core negative beliefs and begin a practice of shame resilience.  We would be honored to help you get unstuck so you can live your life to the fullest.

The world needs you to follow your calling, show up, lead, create and be seen.

What specific fear or belief is holding you back and keeping you stuck?

Cheering you on –

Rebecca