I have a confession to make to you…
2013 has been full of some serious body image blues.
You know how it goes:
- not feeling comfortable your skin
- feeling like none of your clothes fit well
- not wanting to see your image in a mirror or a picture
- struggling not to be tempted by the false promises and quick fixes of the diet and so-called “wellness” industry
- feeling less then, ummm, hubba hubba with your spouse
- not wanting to be very social
- playing the compare game
A couple things crept in that started to take away from my New Year’s calm and clarity (my word for 2013): lack of sleep because of all things toddler (winter colds, potty training..) and my newly diagnosed asthma. I was missing my time with my boot camp buddies – my one-two punch for social and active time.
I hit a wall. Right about the time I was doubling the staff at Potentia. We just completed two successful cohorts of our 8 week Cultivating Courage workshop and put dates on the calendar for three Cultivating Courage Weekend Intensives.
All good stuff.
I was super pumped about all these happenings but was getting really depleted and disconnected from my social support. My health was starting to suffer, too.
And in walked my body image blues right through the front door.
Shame said, “You hypocrite. You are leading these men and women to heal their relationship with their bodies and you do not even feel good about your own. You are a fraud.”
But here is where things took a different turn. My discomfort in my skin did not necessarily dissipate but how I responded to these thoughts and feelings took a rather radical detour.
I practiced, practiced and continue to practice my shame resilience skills. I dug in and wrote my daily gratitudes and read my daily devotions.
I got really clear on my needs and spoke them to my friends and family, not as demands but as requests.
I made my self-care – mind, body and soul – a priority and made sure my schedule reflected these values.
I practiced empathy with myself and others when judgements and crankiness reared their ugly heads.
I re-evaluated my boundaries and made sure I was not setting up walls which protect but also isolate.
I spoke my truth to my really, really safe people.
I now know I am enough even on days I do not feel enough. I can hold that space while I feel yucky and not attack my core worth. Some days it is a bit of a knock down, drag out fight – but shame resilience has helped me run the marathon of living life reflective of my values and my true worth.
Those who work in the eating disorder field are not immune to struggling with their own food and body issues.
And I am no exception.
It was pretty incredible to see how the ongoing practice of shame resilience kept me from dancing in the pit of self-loathing for very long. It has helped me practice respecting my body even when I do not like it much.
Yeah, I am not immune to these thoughts or feelings. But how I respond when they hit has truly been, well, awesome.
And as I say every day in my office, “Rarely are bad body image days about food, weight or the aesthetics of a certain body part.”
Negative body image is often the equivalent of that scratchy throat you get when feel you are starting to get sick. If you ignore the symptoms and do not take extra care to build up your immune system, you will get leveled and feel even worse, taking longer to recover.
And instead of going old-school and obsessing over weight, looks and what others think, my shame resilience skills are (almost) my default now and the obsessive tendencies to measure my worth by the number on the scale (if I had one) or how much I have worked out were not nearly as loud as they used to be.
This new response to shame has been so, so, so freeing and healing. Instead of fearing vulnerability, I have grown to understand and respect its place in my life – though I do not like the feeling of it most of the time.
Reading Brené Brown’s books over the last few years have been so helpful in building my awareness about shame and normalizing the universal experience of shame. I developed a whole new vocabulary.
But these last 9 months training with Brené, Robert Hilliker and the rest of the Connections team to complete my Certified Connections Facilitator Certification moved me from an intellectual insight of this work to a daily (well, mostly daily) practice.
I have seen the fruits of this practice in my marriage, my work as therapist and in my relationships with God, myself and others.
And this is why I can barely contain how excited I am to offer this work – Potentiafied for you in our Cultivating Courage Workshops and Weekend Intensives.
We have three Cultivating Courage Weekend Intensives scheduled for the remainder of this year: June 14-16, Aug 23-25 and Nov 1-3. And my colleague, Molly LaCroix, and I will be launching our 8 week Weekly Cultivating Courage Workshop Series in January 2014.
For those who are local, we have some digging deeper workshops which will be launching this summer to give people a chance to freshen their Shame Resilience skills or have a toe-in-the water experience with this powerful work.
And plans are in the works to take this work online so our Potentia friends outside San Diego can have access to this material, too. Make sure you are signed up to receive email updates so you can get the latest details on all of these happenings.
I would love to know what your questions are about shame and Brené Brown’s shame resilience theory. Please email me directly at firstname.lastname@example.org or post your questions below. If I feature your question in a future blog post, you will receive a copy of Brené’s most recent book, Daring Greatly. So don’t hold back, I really want to hear from you.
Working on being my own cheerleader while cheering you on, too!