Dividing the Pain

Source: bdbhbe.blogspot.com via Rebecca on Pinterest

I received an email last week from a dear high school friend detailing the failing health of her mother.  I immediately picked up the phone and called her.  My plan was to let her know she is in my thoughts and prayers + how much I love her and her family.

But as soon as I started to speak, my words turned into a hot mess of jumbled words and tears.  I choked up as I realized the depth of my love for my friend, her family and the role they all played during such an important season of my life.

To be honest, I was a bit disappointed in myself for my ramble as I had wanted to be “strong” and a rock for her during this tough time. I felt a bit like my message was a burden and that did not sit well with me.  A few days later, I wrote my friend and apologized for my hot mess of a voice mail message and more coherently articulated my sentiments.

Minutes after I fired off my apologetic email, I received a voice mail message from my friend.  She was so gracious and noted how touched she was by my expression of emotion in addition to being encouraged knowing how her mom had impacted me.

(Note to self: authentic and sincerely expressed sentiments are ok.  Lighten up on yourself for not being “perfect”.  Yes, I am a recovering perfectionist.)

And then my friend said something so beautiful and brilliant.

“When you have things like this happen, you just want to divide the pain.  When I sent the email message to those I love sharing the bad news, there is some comfort I received in dividing that pain and having others hold it with me.  So, thank you.”

My friend shared more about the path that was ahead of her and her family as they seek to make her mom comfortable while her body slowly shuts down.  This led my mind to race with memories of how our lives and families intersected over the years:

  • time at her childhood house;
  • getting ready for homecoming;
  • sleep overs;
  • sneaking out and skipping school during state tournament season;
  • late-night swims;
  • eating at their kitchen counter;
  • getting in trouble at their kitchen counter;
  • practicing our cheer routines;
  • going to her cabin;
  • flying to California for my sweet sixteen/golden birthday birthday;
  • double dates;
  • mean girl drama;
  • jerky boy drama;
  • family weddings;
  • and few other memories that are best to remain private. 🙂

I love my friend’s statement about dividing our pain and am very aware of how so many people I know personally and professionally keep their pain silent within themselves, often for fear of being rejected or a ridiculed.  And some do not feel like they can manage the vulnerability of being seen in their pain.  Then there are those who do not have safe community they can reach out to and trust when they are struggling.

I really believe lasting healing happens when we divide the pain by giving witness to our hurts and invite others into our experience to share our load, our burden.

And for many of those I work with at Potentia, I have had the honor of giving witness to their pain, struggles, shame and fears.

The power of sharing your story, receiving support + respect instead of shame + judgements is medicine for your soul.

Let’s be honest, it is risky to be open about your heart struggles. To allow yourself to be seen – with safe and boundried people –  as not strong enough, tough enough, perfect enough allows the lies of these negative beliefs to dissipate.

I really think we miss out on incredible healing opportunities when we do not divide the pain and instead put on masks telling people, “It’s all good.”  or  “It is meant to be.” or  “It could be worse.”  My friend could have minimized things but instead she leaned into her safe and loving support system.

I wonder, what are the negative beliefs that are keeping you from reaching out?

What one risk can you take today to reach out and divide the pain?

Never forget: Real+Safe relationships heal.

Having a safe and sincere relationship with God, yourself  and others is crucial to managing the curve balls of life + experiencing the blessings in life to the fullest.  Shame says, “stay hidden”.  Truth says, “You are worthy to be seen”.

Dividing+Conquering  –

Rebecca

PS – Thank you Mrs. A for raising an amazing daughter who blessed my life richly and for loving me – along with the rest of the young women in your world of influence  –  as one of your own.

 

 

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Call to Action

 

Wow!  Potentia has had its own brick and mortar space for a little over 9 months now.

And it has been so crazy-busy-fun-amazing-blessed wrapped in some stress, grace, clarity and relief.

This new space has been a dream call to action on my heart for several years.

After waiting, and waiting and waiting for the right time, it just flowed when I signed the lease for the new space last June.

Once the lease was signed, I was compelled and consumed by a vision to create a unique space where healing could happen supported by a specialized and collaborative team of professionals.

When I first got the picture for Potentia’s expansion, I wanted to act immediately, jump ship, make it happen.

It felt intolerable at times to just sit with this call and not. do. a thing. other than pray+clarify + prepare.

The posture of waiting is not the stance I have assumed for most of life.  My husband teases me often how I love to jump first and then think.  But sometimes I was jumping not just for the adventure but because it did not feel good to wait.

Patience has not been a strong virtue of mine.

Nonetheless, I have been building up emotional muscle to bench the gift of patience and it has taught, and continues to teach, me a a lot.

My change in professions, marriage and parenthood started to

  • shift the value I saw in the virtue of patience,
  • (re) define my definition of productivity,
  • and challenge what I valued as worthy and enough.

Prior to signing the lease, I spent a lot of time over-riding the call on my heart with fear, doubt, logic, over-thinking, over-processing and more.

I had found many reasons to not honor this simple, pure and clear call to action vision for Potentia’s next phase of growth.

Until I could not tolerate it any more.

To be authentic, vulnerable, to trust the gentle but firm nudge from God, I had to believe. I had to surrender staying on the side lines and playing it safe.

After much prayer and a significant beat down on my own fears and doubts, I felt I had permission to move forward. To grow.  To draw attention.  To make some noise about how our definitions of health and worth are keeping us sick; how we are keeping ourselves imprisoned by narratives that lie and cheat us from true health, freedom and peace.

At Potentia, We Can Do Hard Things.

And Potentia’s expansion infused a new jolt of faith, inspiration and passion to walk with, equip and respect those who are fighting their own personal battle mind, body + soul.

I love how the team at Potentia joins with our clients to give witness to their courage, pain, battle wounds, inspiration, frustration, fatigue, fear and more.

When they do not have hope, we wave the hope flag.

When they achieve a victory, we cheer (sometimes really loud. seriously.).

When they want to give up, we nudge, respect and reflect.

Yes, those who enter the doors of Potentia can do hard things.

And those who are not sure about starting that work I believe you can, when you are ready, live the life you are called to live.

I encourage you to not devalue or minimize your struggles and not let shame keep you in isolation.  You have our respect and we have not even met you yet.  🙂

Below is a slide show from some of the events and meetings we had at Potentia to celebrate the expansion. It warms my heart and fires me up.  I now truly love and embrace the call to action that has been placed on my heart.

What is the call to action on your heart today?  How are you responding to that call?  Have you shared it with anyone in your inner circle yet? 

If not, I encourage you to give voice to it TODAY, no matter how crazy, random, unrealistic you may think it is.  The call to action on your heart needs you to give it voice.  No matter how much it scares you.  Write it down.  Shout it out loud. Whisper it to a dear friend.

Your soul is calling you to stretch+grow+heal.

Being stagnant is not safe.  It is stifling.  The unknown is scary but staying stuck can be scarier.

Honoring the call,

Rebecca

ps:  If you want to stay connected and up to date on the latest happenings at Potentia, please sign up for our newsletter at www.potentiatherapy.com “like” us on Facebook or follow me on Twitter (#rbassching)

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Five Reasons to Ditch Dieting

Source: google.com via Rebecca on Pinterest

 

By Megan Handley, MPH, RD and Nutrition+Wellness Coordinator at Potentia

  • For the last time, diets don’t work! A group of researchers out of UCLA analyzed studies that followed dieters for 2-5 years, and found that the vast majority of participants gained back the weight, and then some, by the end of the follow up period.

  • Diets rely on external cues to guide our eating, rather than teaching us to listen to our body’s hunger and fullness cues.  Food is fuel for our bodies and should be enjoyed, savored and appreciated!

  • Diets are often based on testimonials, rather than on sound scientific studies.  The suggested eating plan is often rigid, and does not translate to real-world living.

  • Diets often require that we severely restricts calories or entire food groups, putting us at risk for nutrient deficiencies, and robbing our bodies of the energy that we need to be active.

  • Intense feelings of deprivation and hunger set the dieter up for binge eating patterns, which are then followed by feelings of guilt and dissatisfaction.

The following links are wonderful resources for you as you seek to (re) define health in your life:

Academy of Eating Disorders
American Dietetic Association
Finding Balance
Health at Every Size  
Health at Every Size: The Surprising Truth About Your Weight by Linda Bacon
Intuitive Eating
The Center for Mindful Eating
The National Eating Disorders Association 

Diets can be a polarizing topic of discussion these days as many seek relief from real physical and emotional pain.  What do you think about diets? Have you had positive or negative experience with a diet?  Do you agree that diets do not work?

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Is Authentic Going the Way of Awesome?

 

By Molly La Croix, LMFT Trauma Expert at Potentia Family Therapy

In a recent article in the Wall Street Journal (“Keeping it Real at Facebook” 2/12/12) the author lamented the use of such phrases as authentic self.

She states, “Unless you start out fake you don’t need to learn to be genuine, right?”

While she was talking about overinflated egos and verbiage resulting from stratospheric levels of success, I found myself worrying that soon the word authentic might go the way of the word awesome.

We all know awesome has become one of the most overused adjectives, losing meaning and weight in the process.  It used to be used to convey a sense of wonder and majesty, and now it just conjures up the image of a preteen boy on a skateboard with his hat on sideways.

Why do I care that authentic might go the way of awesome?

Because our fundamental challenge as human beings is to figure out who we truly are and then live out that unique self in relationships where we do not have to pose or hide or morph into someone else.

Being an authentic self is not something to be mocked, or trivialized, or derided as a fad.  It is a worthy ambition.  It is a destination on a journey that is fraught with obstacles and challenges, requiring courage and perseverance.  It is a goal demanding stamina and a supportive community.

If being authentic means being real, genuine, and true – among other things – what makes it so difficult?  As the author said, “Unless you start out fake you don’t need to learn to be genuine, right?”

The difficulty lies in universal experience of shame when we venture forth as our true self and we perceive rejection of that self.  That can start as early as infancy when the baby cries and does not receive comfort.  Perhaps the self really was rejected by a harsh parent who called us stupid. Or, perhaps the child just interpreted a benign remark as a criticism of that self.

The issue is not whether the person meant to shame us.

The issue is that we all internalize a degree of shame about our core, authentic self.  That shame prompts all of us to be fake sometimes.

For some, the degree of shame is so great they live each day flooded by it.  For others, the negative beliefs associated with the feeling of shame, such as, “I’m not good enough, not loveable, not worthy…” pop up occasionally.

I don’t believe any of us entirely escape the influence of unhealthy shame, the kind that causes us to want to hide our authentic selves.

Just think about the last time you took a risk to take a stance with someone who is important to you – spouse, parent, partner, child, co-worker. Any anxiety crop up?  Any fear of rejection?

Depending on the weight of the issue, and the degree to which you internalized negative beliefs, that anxiety might have been great enough to silence your voice.

And that brings us back to the importance of being an authentic self.  It is not trite, it is essential.

Shame will silence us.  Those brave enough to be intentional about authenticity deserve praise and celebration.

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But I’m Still Beautiful…

                                                                    Source: Uploaded by user via Rebecca on Pinterest

 

I received this email yesterday and was so moved that I immediately asked permission to share this story.

When I read this email at our staff mtg later in the day, I choked up with tears reading through it again.

Inspired as a mom and as a therapist, this story is a reminder for me to keep in check my struggle with sprouting cynicism + doubt that the work we do at Potentia is really making any kind of difference.

I am grateful for this reminder.  I do believe that every effort to help people on their journey to understanding their true worth and value is meaningful + fruitful + powerful.

Now go get some Kleenex before reading further.  You have been warned.

Rebecca,
I have to share with you that happened at work yesterday.  I know you’ll appreciate it as much as I did.
Yesterday, as I led one of my middle school speech groups, my heart smiled as I witnessed something I wish all girls could say about themselves.
I was working with three Special Ed students.  And mind you, these students have little filters on what words flow from their mouths. 
The one boy in the group made a comment under his breath about one of the girl’s ‘mustache.’  Because she did not hear, I let it go as to not draw attention to the hurtful comment; instead, choosing to pull him aside after the group to talk about his choice in comments. 
But immediately following that comment, another girl piped up and said to the girl, “Do you wash your face?”
The 7th grade girl, who is a miracle of life that was born less than a pound 13 years ago, has acne covering her whole face. 

I saw the train wreck happening before my eyes and was scrambling to decide how to intervene and respond.

The girl dropped her head, dejected, and said quietly, “I wash it every day.  But sometimes I forget.  My mom helps me.  I have medicine to put on my face too.  But sometimes I forget to put that on too.” 
My heart ached for her. 
She said, “I have bad acne.”  But then she looked up from behind her thick glasses with her crossed eyes and said,

“But I’m still beautiful.”

Indeed.  In so many ways.  My heart smiled. 
Kudos to her parents.  And kudos for her innocent spirit that undoubtedly believed that truth. 
All I could say was, “You are absolutely beautiful.” 
After I told her she was absolutely beautiful, she smiled at me and said, “I know.”  haha…love that girl.  

If only we could all say that about ourselves with such confidence.

Amen.

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Everybody Knows Somebody

2012 Theme: Everybody Knows Somebody

In a few days, National Eating Disorder Awareness Week will kick off.  I am always blown away by the power, the emotion, the dedication of so many who participate in this week through speaking, writing, creative events through multimedia and more.  So many have been touched by eating disorders and the disordered eating spectrum.  And that includes you.

Eating Disorders and the Disordered Eating Spectrum continue to be misunderstood, glamorized and minimized.  The truth of the matter is, you know someone struggling with their relationship with food and/or their body.

Everybody knows somebody.

You know somebody.

Food and body issues are tricky. They are sneaky and sly and operate under the guise of health and productivity or laziness and undiscipline.  Be very clear: eating disorders are killing and disabling at rates that are scary.  Eating disorders are the most deadly of all mental illnesses. Do not let someone you know be another statistic.

You know someone on the diet roller coaster or obsessed about eating healthy to such an extreme their lives have become a prison to irrational fear, rigidity and control.

You know somebody who repeatedly talks negatively about their body and believes their worth and value are directly correlated to the number on the scale.

You know somebody who is depressed, anxious, suicidal because they feel so out of control with their behaviors and thoughts about food and their body.

You know somebody who is slowly dying inside physically, emotionally and spiritually.

You know somebody who wants to be loved and seen beyond their looks, their grades, their performance, their weight, what they eat.  You know someone who wants to be seen.  Period.

You know somebody in this kind of pain.

And there is hope and healing available for those who want to live their lives in peace and joy.  I get to work with the most amazing professionals at Potentia and at treatments centers around the country who are passionate about helping people heal from their eating disorder.

Eating disorders are complex and their causes reflect this complexity: genetics, family of origin issues, culture, temperament, physiological issues, traumatic events and more.  There is not a quick fix and no one to blame but the sooner someone starts the process to change, the better for their long term prognosis.

You know someone who needs to begin this journey.  Now.

Resources like edreferral and Gurze are wonderful sites to find practitioners at all levels of care who specialize in treating the whole spectrum of food and body issues.  Gurze is also a publishing company dedicated to provided resources on these issues. I would also check out The National Eating Disorder Association.  I love the commitment of the NEDA team and value their role in starting and promoting National Eating Disorder Awareness Week.  Hang out at these websites. Learn something new.  And share it with someone you know.

Potentia joins the many individuals, families, treatment centers and providers in promoting eating disorder awareness.  At Potentia, we will be doing a week long event asking people to write on a piece of paper (we have cool artsy paper, pens and more for those who want to get creative) an apology to their body or a thank you to their body.  We will hang these note cards around the space and make a slide show of them at the end of the week.

If you want to contribute to this event, feel free to stop by and add your contribution to our display.  And if you live far away, feel free to send me an email and I will make sure your words are added.

Sororities and other local groups are already contributing.  I would love to add your voice to this display.  And all contributions can be anonymous.

Our hope is this display gets everyone thinking a little more about the seriousness of disordered eating and helps those struggling know they are not alone.

And yes, to be clear, you know somebody.  Now it is time to talk about it.

How are you going to use your voice during eating disorder awareness week?

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Valentine’s Day Eve Inspiration

These words are like a valentine to all who read her work.

Thank you, Brene’ Brown!

“Wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness.

It means cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think,

No matter what gets done and how much is left undone; I am enough.

It’s going to bed at night thinking,

Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging.

Choosing authenticity is an act of resistance.

Choosing to live and love with our WholeHearts is an act of defiance.”

 

(Can I get an Amen?)

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