Q&A Series: Yoga Therapy

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In our Q&A series we’ve unpacked the paleo diet, the gluten-free diet, and cleanses. This week, Kayla Walker, MFT Intern, spoke with Kelly Schauermann, CPRYT & Yoga Intructor, to learn about yoga therapy and Kelly’s upcoming “Seasons of Life, Reaping + Harvesting: Acknowledging Growth” workshop.

Kayla: You are a Certified Phoenix Rising Yoga Therapist. What exactly is yoga therapy?

Kelly: It’s a way to experience how the mind and the body work together through assisted stretches and client centered dialogue. In short, I move you through stretches, ask you, “what’s happening now?” and you respond with whatever comes up. I may reflect back to you your OWN words, so that you have the opportunity to really hear what’s happening when you’re in postures. Each session begins with a centering time to connect with your breath, body, mind and spirit, and ends with a time to integrate everything you noticed from your session by creating some tangible steps to take your newfound wisdom off the mat and into your daily life.

My intention with yoga therapy is to create a safe space for people to listen to their bodies and notice what they feel, to explore their stories, and to listen to themselves without judgement, and to be heard without judgement. Creating a safe space free of judgement is important because it’s not often you have that space to be witnessed. It’s key to have that safety and to connect it with body movement, especially for those who have felt unsafe in the past, or experienced trauma. In that way, it’s an extension of talk therapy—there is so much that someone can explore and experience when they engage their bodies.

Kayla: Who can benefit from yoga therapy?

Kelly: Anyone who feels physically and emotionally ready to experience bodywork can benefit. Working with your body can be a very vulnerable space, especially for someone who has experienced trauma or has food and body issues. Usually, if someone is referred to me by a therapist, I trust that they are ready, but if someone isn’t sure if they’re ready to receive a session, then I encourage them to contact me and/or their current therapist to discuss if they are ready to try yoga and/or yoga therapy. You don’t need any exercise or yoga experience to practice with me.

Kayla: What is “Phoenix Rising?”

Kelly: “Phoenix Rising” refers to my training facility. There are different styles of yoga therapy, some are more prescriptive and specifically address physical ailments, along the lines of physical therapy but emphasizing yoga postures. My training with Phoenix Rising focuses more on a psychological level.

Instead of being prescriptive, I am trained to meet people where they are at, to listen to them, to watch their breath and the way they move, then guide the session from there. It’s a very organic process.I never assume I know how someone feels physically or emotionally. I use the dialogue piece to get an idea of what THEY are thinking and feeling, not just what I think they are feeling. Dialogue is one of the main differences between Phoenix Rising and other forms of bodywork and yoga. By giving a client space to speak freely about their experience, they can feel empowered and known.

Kayla: That sounds very different from a yoga class…

Kelly: It’s not like a class where I would have a set routine or flow of postures. Each session is different. I have no plan going in, instead each session is influenced by the dialogue and where the client is. If the person feels safe with physical touch, I incorporate light, safe touch to assist with movements and stretches, but if not, that’s okay, I can work without touch. I use a large futon mat instead of a yoga mat and many props like blankets, bolsters and blocks, to better support the clients body in longer held stretches.

Kayla: Your “Seasons of Life” yoga workshop is coming up this Saturday. Would you tell me a little bit about that?

Kelly: I’ve been working on a series of workshops this year in which I use the seasons as a reflection of our own life journeys. I think our bodies and our whole disposition can reflect the same thing the seasons do. For example, spring is a time of a lot of movement, change, growth and rebirth, so I designed a workshop around stretches and postures that help participants feel the movement and changes in their own body, as well as notice what’s emerging and growing in their own
lives.

Our bodies are such a reflection of what we feel and need on an emotional level, and these workshops help bring awareness to how we can awaken those deeper parts of ourselves. Following time of safe movement, participants have had an opportunity to journal about what they learned and even do some creative drawing or light crafting to express what it is they wanted for the 2013 year.

For the upcoming workshop, we’ll be focusing on the transition from summer to fall. Fall is also full of energy, with school starting and the big shift from warm weather to cool weather, harvesting plants and falling leaves. It’s a time to prepare for the more inward nature of Winter. So we’ll be doing a mix of stretches, postures and movements that reflect those transitions, and focus on bringing together what they’ve learned through the year thus far.

Kayla: What would you like people to know about your work as a yoga therapist?

Kelly: I want people to understand that my work isn’t about religion or pushing beliefs or philosophy on anyone. I think the idea of yoga can send up red flags in the faith community—some people are okay with it, but others seem uncomfortable with the idea of yoga practice. Yoga doesn’t have to be a spiritual practice, but it can be depending on the person doing it and if he/she wants to incorporate his/her beliefs. It’s personal.

I’m not about preaching or telling people how they should be or should think. I want people to feel safe to explore that for themselves regardless of their faith background. What’s most important is that people are learning to connect with themselves on all levels, not just physical, not just mental, not just spiritual. It’s a whole practice, and one that can be so rich with wisdom.

Thanks for reading our Q&A on Yoga!  What additional questions do you have about yoga as a support to healing and wellness?  Have you found yoga helpful in your own healing process?  We would love to hear from you and let us know any additional questions you have about yoga for future a furture Q&A post. 

Warmly – Kayla and Kelly

PS – We still have some space at this Saturday’s workshop.  You can register here.  We hope to see you soon!

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Discover the Power of Your Wanted and Unwanted Identities

1. I decided

I am ____________ (fill in the blank).

Many of you can finish the sentence above with a variety of descriptors and attributes. The core beliefs about your identity directly impact how you make decisions in your relationships, at school, work, and in life.

Culture, your family of origin, your faith community, schools, and places of work are constantly communicating messages about your worth and value.

Some of these messages are negative and challenge your ability to see your true worth and value.

And at some point, you start believing some of the negative messages shifting your lens on yourself and the world.

You are not alone. We all wrestle with negative core beliefs about our identity. Sometimes these negative beliefs are screaming at top volume between your ears while other negative beliefs are a quiet whisper that nag at you daily.

Regardless of the volume, inaccurate core identity beliefs can lead to unsafe and broken relationships, isolation, eating issues, addictions, chronic pain, depression, and anxiety.

Usually our negative beliefs come from experiences in our story and have taken root in our brains in an effort to keep us safe but end up working against us.  Most of these negative beliefs fall into one of the following categories:

  • I am not enough/I am not _____ enough
  • I am not not safe
  • I am not capable/in control

Our upcoming (re) define Identity workshop will help you:

  1. identify your ideal and unwanted identities
  2. build awareness on how you respond when you are seen in ways you desire and fear
  3. narrow down the core negative beliefs that are keeping you stuck in your relationship with yourself, God, and others, launching you into the process of reclaiming your true identity, worth, and value.

For those seeking to dig deeper and and get unstuck with struggles around your core identity, I recommend finding a practitioner certified (or in process of certification) in EMDR.  This is a powerful psyhchotherapeutic approach that has changed the way I conceptualize cases, approach trauma and all distressing life events.  You can find a local practitioner in your area here.

Space is limited at our upcoming (re) define Identity workshop on September, so register soon if you are interested.

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We cover this material more extensively in our cornerstone Workshop: (re) define Courage: Dare to Show up+Be Seen (formerly Cultivating Courage).

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Our September Weekend Intensive has sold out but there are still spots available in the Nov 1-3 weekend intensive.  January dates for weekend intensives and weekly workshops will be going live soon.  Sign up here to be the first to know about these dates.

 

Enjoy the last days of summer and all the best to those transitioning back to school!

Rebecca

 

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It is so hard…

Some days...
Some days…

On my way to Potentia earlier this week, I listened to an interview on NPR with Dr. T Berry Brazelton.  He is known as the “baby whisperer” and has been a go-to resource for parents for six decades.  You can catch the whole interview here.

Towards the end of the interview, Dr. Brazelton shared about an encounter with a women in a grocery store.

It took my breathe away.

Dr. Brazelton saw a women struggling with her 2 year old while grocery shopping.  The mother then began hitting her screaming child.  In seeing this, Dr. Brazelton walked up to the mother and said, “It is so hard… to take a two year old to the grocery store.”

After those words, the mother immediately started to cry.  She held her toddler and they began to reconnect and repair.  The child even started to wipe the tears off of his mother’s face.

Whoa.

“It is so hard…”

This story gripped me in so many ways.

Spoken words in time of vulnerability, fatigue and overwhelm were medicine for this mom.

Instead of judgement, she received compassion.
Instead of chastising, she received kindness.

And healing began immediately between mother and child.

I was so touched and convicted listening to the recollection of this story  – as I have been judged and can also be the judger.

I have felt the judgements, seen the eye rolls and heard the whispers of critique about me or my children.

I have also stepped on my high-horse of “I am right. You are wrong.” when all someone needed was a hug and to be heard.

At Potentia, I regularly hear about experiences of condemnation, self-loathing, rejection, isolation, abandonment and the aftershocks these experiences have left on their hearts – rocking their souls.

It takes immense courage to speak of such pain.  It is so hard…

  • being a parent
  • recovering from food and body issues
  • sitting in the aftermath of a failed marriage or relationship
  • feeling lonely and disconnected
  • trying to heal from depression, anxiety
  • being the person you are called to be
  • taking a stand
  • feeling like no one understands
  • asking for help
  • giving the undeserved gift of grace
  • receiving the undeserved gift of grace
  • believing you not an exception to God’s grace, love and sacrifice
  • not letting shame corrode your sense of worth and purpose
  • healing from sexual, emotional, physical abuse
  • forgiving yourself for being relentless in beating yourself up.

It is so hard to be human.

When times are tough, self care is down and the worst parts of ourselves come to the surface – we can feel unlovable, make bad choices, do harm to self or others.

And in those moments, we can choose to add to someone’s pain or help relieve it.

When we find ourselves in the dark zone of the messiness of life and are offered the hand of grace through kind words or gestures, we can choose to receive it instead of shutting down.

I think what made Dr. Brazelton’s words so powerful and able to penetrate this woman’s heart was his sincerity and the tone of his voice.  He was disarming and genuine. Not condescending or patronizing.

But by the grace of God can I strive to live a life that facilitates healing and forgive myself promptly when my quick tongue rises up to judge someone or myself. 

These words: grace, compassion, kindness – are words we are all drawn too.  But to really live these words and put them into action takes guts. And tenacity.  And the willingness to mess up and not be perfect.

I see this courage and determination in my office everyday.  I see it in my kids and in my husband.

Just imagine someone approaching you with respect and kindness during a time of exposed “raw and real”.

Double Whoa.

And what if we stopped the eye-rolling, the judgemental thoughts, the whispers under our breathe but still loud enough to be heard?

And think of what our little worlds of influence would be like if we REALLY lived grace instead of judging and the distancing “tsk tsks”.

Whoa explosion.

We judge in the areas we are most vulnerable. Fear drives these kinds of judgements.  Getting clear on your vulnerabilities can help you be a vessel for healing in your own life and in the lives of those around you.

Giving compassion to self and others+receiving the undeserved gift of grace is like a cool glass of water on a hot day.

We are all in the desert doing the best we can.

It is so hard.  Trust me.  I know.

I may not know your specific experience but I know what it is like to be out there, exposed, afraid and broken.

And I am where I am at today because I have received from others, myself and God the permission to be a hot mess and find redemption in my mistakes.

Self-loathing is culture’s homeostasis and it is simply not sustaining.

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It takes living from a place of love, confidence, selflessness and respect to be the person to give compassion as Dr. Brazelton did.

And love bombs like the one Dr. Brazelton dropped on the mother in the grocery story can create sustaining change in our world.

I have received love bombs this week from my friend Madison who came to help out my family while my husband was on a work trip.  And words of affirmation came my wayvia  emails from Nancy and Lauren and a voice mail message from Marc  – all of which brought tears to my eyes.

I was struck at how their kind word and gestures were difficult to receive.  But I sat with their love bombs – and they quenched my thirst to be seen and understood.

So my challenge to you this week is this: drop some love bombs in your world of influence. At least three.

Your love bomb may be an email to someone, a phone call, a text. You may go old school and write a letter.  Whatever you do, keep these words in mind: It is so hard…  And remember – Less is more.  Tone is key.  Let empathy  – not distancing sympathy – guide you.  And let us know about your experiences in the comments below.

I would also love to know about any love bombs that have been dropped on you lately.  Were they hard to receive?  How did you receive them?

Cheering you on –

Rebecca

PS. Potentia’s cornerstone workshop  – Cultivating Courage – is an incredible place to get clear on your vulnerabilities, work on rewiring judgements and building resilience to shame.  We believe this work is a game-changer in how we do all aspects of life.  I would love to see you at one of our future workshops.  Please email me at rbass@potentiatherapy.com with any questions or post them below.

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How are you dealing with your fears and doubts?

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Last week, two women I think the world of personally and professionally, Tara Gentile and Brigitte Lyons, wrote to their list of business owners and thought leaders about how fear, anxiety, and the “not enough” storyline can hold us back from living out our purpose; our calling.  I am grateful for their words on a topic so dear to my heart.

Brigitte took my breathe away when she asked this powerful question in her last email,

“Are you letting fear keeping you from being found?”

And Tara had me saying, “Amen” out loud after I read these words:

“The stories we tell are the stories of the people we serve. But all too often we pay more attention to parroted beliefs and limiting thoughts than the actual, expansive stories that are playing out in front of us, with us.”

I have learned first hand your personal belief about yourself can nourish or kill creativity and the clarity on your calling.

So I am writing this post to all of you who are not writing, creating, launching, leading, speaking, not showing up because fear, anxiety and negative core beliefs are keeping you from living your purpose.  I am writing to all of you who are afraid of being found.

Sometimes it is hard to discern between rationale fear and irrational fear.

  • Rational fear keeps us safe from death or harm.
  • Irrational fear tells us we will die or be greatly harmed but it is not based in fact – even though every brain cell firing tells us to stop, freeze, numb out and hide.

Sure, you can push back on irrational fear and its first cousins: anxiety, worry, stress which feed the “not enough” thoughts.

But changing the narrative of “not enough” is not always a simple switch to flip.  And leaning on sheer willpower is not a sustaining source of change. When the willpower fuel tank runs out, shame and fear are the fumes that run our lives if we are not careful.

Trust me.  I  have lived seasons of my life on sheer willpower and these toxic fumes only to get burned out and crash hard.

Three years ago, I began to make plans to move Potentia from just a website to having a collaborative practice of specialized, highly trained professionals all under one roof in a space that felt safe, homey and inspired healing and creativity.

I had also recently given birth to our second child and had a lot of big dreams burdening my heart but struggled with finding the space and the systems to execute them.

I was full of joy but at the same time I also hit a wall with my own expectations of myself.  Then the green monsters of jealousy, envy and perfectionism took hold and it got pretty ugly in my brain and soul.  Given my season of life, I was tired and did not have the usual freedom to connect with my support system.

Where there is isolation, shame and doubt have a party.

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I was my own worst enemy as God continued to prod at my my heart for me to trust Him and His leading of me and this dream He had given me.

God trusted me with this dream.  I just did not trust myself.

I have found that the “never enough” belief is able to be diminished but if you are driven, desire excellence and have big dreams, then it never really goes away.  This is a vulnerable and tenuous space to hold in your heart and mind.

I saw this tension in my previous careers in politics, advertising, international youth work and see this tension now in my work with my clients – many of which are filled with an entrepreneurial spirit as business owners, corporate executives, ministry leaders, creatives, educators, therapists.

Developing a practice of community, connection and self-care is a non-negotiable for any creative, dreamer, leader, parent, business owner ie: human.

And this is a life long practice.

This practice is one of shame resilience.  A practice cultivating courage so we can all dare to show up, speak truth, ask for help, take a break, write the check, say yes, say no, press publish, send the email.

Managing fear and doubt is still not easy but these emotions sure as heck do not blind-side me like they used to.  Studying disordered eating, trauma/distressing life events and shame resilience have had a profound impact on my own life.

As Brené Brown regularly says, “You study what you need to know.”

Truth.

And I love supporting my clients and those in the Potentia community in their goals to (re) define health in their own life personally and professionally. Healing distressing life events, food and body issues, traumas and family of origin wounds are not indulgent but often necessary in order to have courage to bench leading, loving, dreaming, launching.

Your fears, worries and negative beliefs are not the enemy.  How you respond to them is what jams you up.

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Learning how to bench negative and intense emotions is key so these emotions can help inform you instead of paralyze you.

Potentia is offering three options to attend a Cultivating Courage Weekend Intensives this year so you can improve your ability to manage negative and intense emotions, identify and re-author the narratives of negative core negative beliefs and begin a practice of shame resilience.  We would be honored to help you get unstuck so you can live your life to the fullest.

The world needs you to follow your calling, show up, lead, create and be seen.

What specific fear or belief is holding you back and keeping you stuck?

Cheering you on –

Rebecca

 

 

 

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You are not alone.

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To those who:

are fighting the paralyzing pain of depression;
have survived those whose lives were taken by the devastation of mental illness;
think life is too unbearable to keep going and hurt deeply beyond words;
tirelessly walk with your loved one struggling with mental illness;
feel like no one understands the darkness of deep emotional pain;
struggle to counter the lies of Darkness.

You are not alone.

You.

Are.

Not.

Alone.

We surround you holding our collective hands and pour out prayers from our hearts of encouragement, compassion, empathy and love.

We give witness to your pain, your loss, your struggle, your fight.

We grieve with you even if the words are not available to express our thoughts and feelings.

We hurt with you and wish we could take the pain away.

But at times like these, we look above and run into His arms:

For comfort, peace and the courage to go on;
To find some strand of meaning in the chaos of pain;
To shield us from the cruelty of misunderstandings, judgement and reactionary words of a hurting world.

You are not alone.

Rebecca

PS  – If you are contemplating suicide, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255.  If you are the survivor of suicide, here are some incredible resources. And here is a some general information and facts about mental illness.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Dividing the Pain

Source: bdbhbe.blogspot.com via Rebecca on Pinterest

I received an email last week from a dear high school friend detailing the failing health of her mother.  I immediately picked up the phone and called her.  My plan was to let her know she is in my thoughts and prayers + how much I love her and her family.

But as soon as I started to speak, my words turned into a hot mess of jumbled words and tears.  I choked up as I realized the depth of my love for my friend, her family and the role they all played during such an important season of my life.

To be honest, I was a bit disappointed in myself for my ramble as I had wanted to be “strong” and a rock for her during this tough time. I felt a bit like my message was a burden and that did not sit well with me.  A few days later, I wrote my friend and apologized for my hot mess of a voice mail message and more coherently articulated my sentiments.

Minutes after I fired off my apologetic email, I received a voice mail message from my friend.  She was so gracious and noted how touched she was by my expression of emotion in addition to being encouraged knowing how her mom had impacted me.

(Note to self: authentic and sincerely expressed sentiments are ok.  Lighten up on yourself for not being “perfect”.  Yes, I am a recovering perfectionist.)

And then my friend said something so beautiful and brilliant.

“When you have things like this happen, you just want to divide the pain.  When I sent the email message to those I love sharing the bad news, there is some comfort I received in dividing that pain and having others hold it with me.  So, thank you.”

My friend shared more about the path that was ahead of her and her family as they seek to make her mom comfortable while her body slowly shuts down.  This led my mind to race with memories of how our lives and families intersected over the years:

  • time at her childhood house;
  • getting ready for homecoming;
  • sleep overs;
  • sneaking out and skipping school during state tournament season;
  • late-night swims;
  • eating at their kitchen counter;
  • getting in trouble at their kitchen counter;
  • practicing our cheer routines;
  • going to her cabin;
  • flying to California for my sweet sixteen/golden birthday birthday;
  • double dates;
  • mean girl drama;
  • jerky boy drama;
  • family weddings;
  • and few other memories that are best to remain private. 🙂

I love my friend’s statement about dividing our pain and am very aware of how so many people I know personally and professionally keep their pain silent within themselves, often for fear of being rejected or a ridiculed.  And some do not feel like they can manage the vulnerability of being seen in their pain.  Then there are those who do not have safe community they can reach out to and trust when they are struggling.

I really believe lasting healing happens when we divide the pain by giving witness to our hurts and invite others into our experience to share our load, our burden.

And for many of those I work with at Potentia, I have had the honor of giving witness to their pain, struggles, shame and fears.

The power of sharing your story, receiving support + respect instead of shame + judgements is medicine for your soul.

Let’s be honest, it is risky to be open about your heart struggles. To allow yourself to be seen – with safe and boundried people –  as not strong enough, tough enough, perfect enough allows the lies of these negative beliefs to dissipate.

I really think we miss out on incredible healing opportunities when we do not divide the pain and instead put on masks telling people, “It’s all good.”  or  “It is meant to be.” or  “It could be worse.”  My friend could have minimized things but instead she leaned into her safe and loving support system.

I wonder, what are the negative beliefs that are keeping you from reaching out?

What one risk can you take today to reach out and divide the pain?

Never forget: Real+Safe relationships heal.

Having a safe and sincere relationship with God, yourself  and others is crucial to managing the curve balls of life + experiencing the blessings in life to the fullest.  Shame says, “stay hidden”.  Truth says, “You are worthy to be seen”.

Dividing+Conquering  –

Rebecca

PS – Thank you Mrs. A for raising an amazing daughter who blessed my life richly and for loving me – along with the rest of the young women in your world of influence  –  as one of your own.

 

 

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Call to Action

 

Wow!  Potentia has had its own brick and mortar space for a little over 9 months now.

And it has been so crazy-busy-fun-amazing-blessed wrapped in some stress, grace, clarity and relief.

This new space has been a dream call to action on my heart for several years.

After waiting, and waiting and waiting for the right time, it just flowed when I signed the lease for the new space last June.

Once the lease was signed, I was compelled and consumed by a vision to create a unique space where healing could happen supported by a specialized and collaborative team of professionals.

When I first got the picture for Potentia’s expansion, I wanted to act immediately, jump ship, make it happen.

It felt intolerable at times to just sit with this call and not. do. a thing. other than pray+clarify + prepare.

The posture of waiting is not the stance I have assumed for most of life.  My husband teases me often how I love to jump first and then think.  But sometimes I was jumping not just for the adventure but because it did not feel good to wait.

Patience has not been a strong virtue of mine.

Nonetheless, I have been building up emotional muscle to bench the gift of patience and it has taught, and continues to teach, me a a lot.

My change in professions, marriage and parenthood started to

  • shift the value I saw in the virtue of patience,
  • (re) define my definition of productivity,
  • and challenge what I valued as worthy and enough.

Prior to signing the lease, I spent a lot of time over-riding the call on my heart with fear, doubt, logic, over-thinking, over-processing and more.

I had found many reasons to not honor this simple, pure and clear call to action vision for Potentia’s next phase of growth.

Until I could not tolerate it any more.

To be authentic, vulnerable, to trust the gentle but firm nudge from God, I had to believe. I had to surrender staying on the side lines and playing it safe.

After much prayer and a significant beat down on my own fears and doubts, I felt I had permission to move forward. To grow.  To draw attention.  To make some noise about how our definitions of health and worth are keeping us sick; how we are keeping ourselves imprisoned by narratives that lie and cheat us from true health, freedom and peace.

At Potentia, We Can Do Hard Things.

And Potentia’s expansion infused a new jolt of faith, inspiration and passion to walk with, equip and respect those who are fighting their own personal battle mind, body + soul.

I love how the team at Potentia joins with our clients to give witness to their courage, pain, battle wounds, inspiration, frustration, fatigue, fear and more.

When they do not have hope, we wave the hope flag.

When they achieve a victory, we cheer (sometimes really loud. seriously.).

When they want to give up, we nudge, respect and reflect.

Yes, those who enter the doors of Potentia can do hard things.

And those who are not sure about starting that work I believe you can, when you are ready, live the life you are called to live.

I encourage you to not devalue or minimize your struggles and not let shame keep you in isolation.  You have our respect and we have not even met you yet.  🙂

Below is a slide show from some of the events and meetings we had at Potentia to celebrate the expansion. It warms my heart and fires me up.  I now truly love and embrace the call to action that has been placed on my heart.

What is the call to action on your heart today?  How are you responding to that call?  Have you shared it with anyone in your inner circle yet? 

If not, I encourage you to give voice to it TODAY, no matter how crazy, random, unrealistic you may think it is.  The call to action on your heart needs you to give it voice.  No matter how much it scares you.  Write it down.  Shout it out loud. Whisper it to a dear friend.

Your soul is calling you to stretch+grow+heal.

Being stagnant is not safe.  It is stifling.  The unknown is scary but staying stuck can be scarier.

Honoring the call,

Rebecca

ps:  If you want to stay connected and up to date on the latest happenings at Potentia, please sign up for our newsletter at www.potentiatherapy.com “like” us on Facebook or follow me on Twitter (#rbassching)

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Is Authentic Going the Way of Awesome?

 

By Molly La Croix, LMFT Trauma Expert at Potentia Family Therapy

In a recent article in the Wall Street Journal (“Keeping it Real at Facebook” 2/12/12) the author lamented the use of such phrases as authentic self.

She states, “Unless you start out fake you don’t need to learn to be genuine, right?”

While she was talking about overinflated egos and verbiage resulting from stratospheric levels of success, I found myself worrying that soon the word authentic might go the way of the word awesome.

We all know awesome has become one of the most overused adjectives, losing meaning and weight in the process.  It used to be used to convey a sense of wonder and majesty, and now it just conjures up the image of a preteen boy on a skateboard with his hat on sideways.

Why do I care that authentic might go the way of awesome?

Because our fundamental challenge as human beings is to figure out who we truly are and then live out that unique self in relationships where we do not have to pose or hide or morph into someone else.

Being an authentic self is not something to be mocked, or trivialized, or derided as a fad.  It is a worthy ambition.  It is a destination on a journey that is fraught with obstacles and challenges, requiring courage and perseverance.  It is a goal demanding stamina and a supportive community.

If being authentic means being real, genuine, and true – among other things – what makes it so difficult?  As the author said, “Unless you start out fake you don’t need to learn to be genuine, right?”

The difficulty lies in universal experience of shame when we venture forth as our true self and we perceive rejection of that self.  That can start as early as infancy when the baby cries and does not receive comfort.  Perhaps the self really was rejected by a harsh parent who called us stupid. Or, perhaps the child just interpreted a benign remark as a criticism of that self.

The issue is not whether the person meant to shame us.

The issue is that we all internalize a degree of shame about our core, authentic self.  That shame prompts all of us to be fake sometimes.

For some, the degree of shame is so great they live each day flooded by it.  For others, the negative beliefs associated with the feeling of shame, such as, “I’m not good enough, not loveable, not worthy…” pop up occasionally.

I don’t believe any of us entirely escape the influence of unhealthy shame, the kind that causes us to want to hide our authentic selves.

Just think about the last time you took a risk to take a stance with someone who is important to you – spouse, parent, partner, child, co-worker. Any anxiety crop up?  Any fear of rejection?

Depending on the weight of the issue, and the degree to which you internalized negative beliefs, that anxiety might have been great enough to silence your voice.

And that brings us back to the importance of being an authentic self.  It is not trite, it is essential.

Shame will silence us.  Those brave enough to be intentional about authenticity deserve praise and celebration.

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(re)defining health at Potentia…one word at a time

I recently discovered Wordle and it has been a very entertaining time-suckage of late.  One of the many “wordles” I put together was the one at the top of this post with the words most often heard by those who enter the Potentia world. I believe in the power of words – spoken and written – and how they can do great good and also great harm.  At Potentia, we use words to heal, to challenge old ways of thinking, to fight back against the lies we have been told and are telling ourselves.  If I missed any words you think deserve to make Potentia wordle-status, post the word in the comments below.  And please share any wordle you make that is meaningful to you.

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It’s My Body by Jenni Schaefer

 

Jenni Schaefer

I saw this poem by Jenni Schaefer last year in one of her newsletters.   I love it and she graciously gave me permission to post it.  Soak up this powerful push-back to the lies that can clutter our minds and our culture.

 

It’s My Body by Jenni Schaefer

It’s my body. If I am overweight by societal standards or some height/weight chart, my body does not need to be starved in order to fit in. My body will be the size it is supposed to be if I am taking care of myself. I will not fight it.

It’s my body. If I go out on a date and a guy buys me dinner, I do not owe him a kiss or anything else. A simple, “thank you,” does the job just fine. Despite what society might say, my body is not my currency.

It’s my body. If I overeat at a party today, because the food is just so good, I do not need to restrict or over-exercise tomorrow. My body needs to be nourished, everyday, and never deserves to be punished.

It’s my body. If I have been abused, my body does not deserve to be hated. My body is not disgusting because of what someone else did to me. My body is not something to feel ashamed of or to hide. I cherish my body.

It’s my body. If I am sick, I need to give my body rest and do whatever it takes to get well. My body is not invincible. It is fragile. I must not abuse it with food, alcohol, drugs, or anything else. I must take care of it.

It’s my body. Today my organs are nourished and can function properly. I get enough sleep. I am strong. I do things that feel enjoyable like hiking, swimming, getting a massage, yoga, or even kissing my date — when I choose to do so.

It’s my body. I do not look like you or anyone else. You might be taller or thinner than me. By societal standards, you might be prettier than me. But you are not me. And I am not you.

It’s your body. Respect it. Nourish it. Love it.

If you have not already checked out Jenni’s books, “Life Without Ed: How One Woman Declared Independence from Her Eating Disorder and How You Can Too” and “Goodbye Ed, Hello Me: Recover from Your Eating Disorder and Fall in Love with Life.” I encourage you to add them to your library.  These books are incredible resources for those in struggling with an eating disorder and those who have a loved one with an eating disorder.

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