Many of you can finish the sentence above with a variety of descriptors and attributes. The core beliefs about your identity directly impact how you make decisions in your relationships, at school, work, and in life.
Culture, your family of origin, your faith community, schools, and places of work are constantly communicating messages about your worth and value.
Some of these messages are negative and challenge your ability to see your true worth and value.
And at some point, you start believing some of the negative messages shifting your lens on yourself and the world.
You are not alone. We all wrestle with negative core beliefs about our identity. Sometimes these negative beliefs are screaming at top volume between your ears while other negative beliefs are a quiet whisper that nag at you daily.
Regardless of the volume, inaccurate core identity beliefs can lead to unsafe and broken relationships, isolation, eating issues, addictions, chronic pain, depression, and anxiety.
Usually our negative beliefs come from experiences in our story and have taken root in our brains in an effort to keep us safe but end up working against us. Most of these negative beliefs fall into one of the following categories:
build awareness on how you respond when you are seen in ways you desire and fear
narrow down the core negative beliefs that are keeping you stuck in your relationship with yourself, God, and others, launching you into the process of reclaiming your true identity, worth, and value.
For those seeking to dig deeper and and get unstuck with struggles around your core identity, I recommend finding a practitioner certified (or in process of certification) in EMDR. This is a powerful psyhchotherapeutic approach that has changed the way I conceptualize cases, approach trauma and all distressing life events. You can find a local practitioner in your area here.
Space is limited at our upcoming (re) define Identity workshop on September, so register soon if you are interested.
We cover this material more extensively in our cornerstone Workshop: (re) define Courage: Dare to Show up+Be Seen (formerly Cultivating Courage).
Our September Weekend Intensive has sold out but there are still spots available in the Nov 1-3 weekend intensive. January dates for weekend intensives and weekly workshops will be going live soon. Sign up here to be the first to know about these dates.
Enjoy the last days of summer and all the best to those transitioning back to school!
Be the Gift. Give yourself the gift of forgetting about yourself, the to-do lists, the plans, the appointments, the shoulds and have-tos. Thank you, Ann, for this heartfelt reminder. I needed it this weekend.
Never, ever, ever forget: You are Loved. Thanks to Jeanne Oliver Designs for bringing this to my attention. Blessed.
Beautiful, grounding, convicting. Read this and then take note where you feel your heart tugged to redirect how you spend your time today.
Darling is taking orders for their fall issue. Order now and receive their latest print magazine full of beautiful photo shopped-free pictures, lovely words printed on gorgeous paper and receive the digital version as a free bonus.
Here is more brilliance from Barn Owl Primitives (where I purchased the We Can Do Hard Things sign seen as you enter my therapy office). These are words that I want to flow out of my heart to my kids – especially during this season of preparation for and transition to school and the big, big world. May we all live these words and not just say them. Actions indeed speak louder than words.
No, juicing is not an eating disorder but for some it can be a disordered eating ritual masked in the spirit of healthful living. I appreciate this honest and humorous perspective of a world where the efforts to be healthy are sometimes a bridge to orthorexia (the obsession with eating healthy) and, well, deep hunger. Now head over to Kayla’s Q&A with Megan on juice cleanses for some facts on this practice.
A common area of struggle I see in my office is managing the in-betweens of life: relationships, jobs, school, physical health, and so on. Jeff Goins’ new book will encourage and challenge you to savor your in-betweens. The tension created in times of waiting can be the catalyst for our best art, so slow down and do not rush your in-betweens.
If we spend a lifetime trying to distance ourselves from the parts of our lives that don’t fit with who we think we’re supposed to be, we stand outside of our story and have to hustle for our worthiness by constantly performing, perfecting, pleasing, and proving.
Brené Brown – Hustle for Worthiness
You are living your life on the sidelines when you:
are trying to make sure everyone approves of you. “Everyone” has differing views, opinions, and needs, so it is exhausting to try and keep “everyone” happy. And since it is impossible to please “everyone”, the hustle is perpetuated.
are hiding parts of your story for fear of rejection and judgement. Your story is YOUR beautiful mess and glory-of-a-story. When you deny speaking and living your story and delegate your worth to “everyone” else, you end up missing out on true connection, healing, and joy.
are avoiding dealing with deep soul pain (or even surface wounds) for fear it will leave you alone or cause you more pain. Hustling for worthiness is an excellent numbing agent to fear, shame, pain, and keeps you from reaching out and asking for help. But this hustle is not sustainable and can become a gateway to some serious issues emotionally, physically, relationally, and in your faith journey.
believing the lies that you are not worthy of love and belonging. This is the ultimate lie of shame. And when this belief is driving the motivation behind your thoughts and actions, then you are living life on the sidelines but deeply longing for a sense of worth and belonging – for which you are hardwired.
At this workshop, we gather together to view an exclusive video of Brené Brown sharing her powerful research on perfectionism, shame, and vulnerability. Participants enjoy a lovely spread of food, a stocked art bar for creative inspiration, and a journal to use to take notes and document reflections.
What makes this workshop unique?
Hustle for Worthiness is different from our other workshops in that it intentionally does not have a lot of structure. This is our introductory workshop offered in a safe and casual community. The video we show is not available for purchase, so this is one of the few venues in which you can view it.
Who should register?
A lot of people attend this workshop because of their connection to me, one of the members of the Potentia team and/or their connection with Brené’s powerful message.
Friends, family, significant others are welcome. You do not have to be a client of Potentia to attend. Part of the power of this work is that it brings us together. Connection and community help you put into practice your shame resilience skills.
If you have mustered up the courage to come alone, please say hello. I think you’re freakin’ amazing! Just the act of showing up to a group where you will be seen is vulnerable and brave and proves you are tired of living your life on the sidelines.
Is this workshop only offered in San Diego?
For those of you in SoCal, I would love to see you at our next Hustle for Worthiness Workshop. It usually sells out, so make sure to register soon if you would like to join us.
If you do not live in the area, I am happy to connect you to someone in The Daring Way community who could facilitate a workshop for your community. Just send me an email at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Every time our Potentia team hosts this workshop, I find it truly magical to see people take in Brene’s words and feverishly write down the powerful nuggets that spoke to them. Expect to exhale deeply, laugh out loud, and elbow your friend knowingly. It happens every time!
Note: HFW alumni who want to bring a friend, your registration fee is on me. Just email me at email@example.com as I only have a limited number of slots available for alumni.
PS – And do not forget to register soon if you want to attend. This workshop is expected to sell out. And for every workshop you register for in the month of August, you receive an entry to win a $100 Anthropologie gift card.
For the last several years, I have started writing posts about the mixed messages of celebrating eating contests and the dangerous impact reverberated by these mixed messages – but I have never finished them. This year, I am pushing back on my unhealthy perfectionism and finishing a post I started earlier this month. I hear the PR voice in my head saying it is too late and the peak for sharing this has passed.
Well, so be it.
The fourth of July is one of my favorite holidays. I am a fireworks fanatic and this year we brought both of our kids to watch the glorious display of firework fun in the sky. This holiday is a lovely time to rest, play, and celebrate.
But one tradition around this holiday frustrates and concerns me: Nathan’s Annual Hot Dog Eating Contest and the many iterations that have followed its popularity. Some of my friends and family think I am a bit of a buzzkill for not being a fan of this kind of eating. Such is my life as an eating disorder specialist – I cannot unlearn what I know about the physical and emotional dangers of binge eating and Binge Eating Disorder (BED).
You may have no obvious physical signs or symptoms when you have binge-eating disorder. You may be overweight or obese, or you may be at a normal weight. However, you likely have numerous behavioral and emotional signs and symptoms, such as:
Eating unusually large amounts of food
Eating even when you’re full or not hungry
Eating rapidly during binge episodes
Eating until you’re uncomfortably full
Frequently eating alone
Feeling that your eating behavior is out of control
Feeling depressed, disgusted, ashamed, guilty or upset about your eating
Experiencing depression and anxiety
Feeling isolated and having difficulty talking about your feelings
Frequently dieting, possibly without weight loss
Losing and gaining weight repeatedly, also called yo-yo dieting
After a binge, you may try to diet or eat normal meals. But restricting your eating may simply lead to more binge eating, creating a vicious cycle.
(Notation from Rebecca: Many fall somewhere along the spectrum of BED. You do not need to have all of these symptoms to struggle with the issue. Denial, minimizing, and rationalizing often keep people from getting the help they need because they do not feel like it is that serious.)
5 reasons eating contests hurt our collective psyche around food
1. Eating contests give the impression that binge eating is always a choice. As of May, Binge Eating Disorder is now a clinical diagnosis in the new DSM-V. This is a huge victory for those who struggle with these issues along with those who are passionate about treatment and advocacy. Prior to BED officially being placed in the DSM -V, there was a lot of controversy around whether this diagnosis should be included; many thought this diagnosis was making excuses for those making bad choices. If this struggle was simply fixed by a choice, there would not be millions of people struggling with this serious issue. Addressing core issues such as attachment wounds, anxiety, depression, distressing life events and traumas, perfectionism, shame, and identity issues are at the heart of this struggle, not a simple choice. The choice available to those with BED is reaching out and asking for helping instead of staying stuck in the cycle of shame, pain, isolation, and physical distress.
2. Eating contests make BED and related behaviors a joke and sport to many. We laugh. We cringe. We build up the hype. It is a business and we are buying into it. This recent Forbes post on whether eating contests should be considered a sport noted:
“While spectators question the validity of such a label, its organizers say there is no confusion – competitive eating is a serious business in the world of sport.”
Man Vs. Food with Adam Richman (I confess, I adore Adam — he is so endearing!) is a perfect example of eating as sport. Adam travels to a new town each episode to discover a city’s best sandwich or meal and then engages in a restaurant’s food challenge by eating an insane amount of food in a designated time period. People are around him cheering him on as he takes his body on a dangerous episode of binge eating — for all the world to watch.
But my work with people on the disordered eating spectrum has taught me food competitions do great harm to our collective understanding of eating disorders and related health issues. This double standard keeps people struggling with BED spectrum in silence, fear of reaching out for help and making binge eating behaviors a joke. A sport.
Binge Eating Disorder is not a sport. Though many who participate in these eating contests may not fit the clinical diagnosis of BED, many of the behaviors mirror this serious illness. When we make binge eating cool to watch, we decrease the seriousness of this issue. It is time to stop the jokes and change the dialogue around this issue.
As long as we are watching, cheering on, and participating, eating contests will be good for business. And bad for health – mind, body, and soul.
3. Binge eating is very hard on your body. If you have ever seen the line-up at Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest, you can see a representation of different ages, genders, and sizes of those who down dozens of hot dogs in a matter of minutes. Physically, binge eaters are at risk for developing: type 2 diabetes, gallbladder disease, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, heart disease, certain types of cancer, osteoarthritis, joint and muscle pain, gastrointestinal problems, sleep apnea, and other related health concerns. Professional binge eaters have the same health risks as those who are clinically struggling with BED. This is not something to be celebrated or perpetuated.
4. We have become obsessed with talking about food and eating contests just add to this unhealthy obsession. Food is personal and how we choose to feed ourselves is a very vulnerable topic. How we eat, what we eat, when we eat, and where we eat are all hot topics that can breed food shame and discord instead the joy of breaking bread with family and friends. Eating contests (and most reality shows for that matter) encourage us to become professional judgers and blamers. We talk about “good food vs. bad food” as if we are talking about sinning or staying pure; we Instagram our meals with a sense of awe and worship; the latest trends in eating, dieting, health dominate the majority of our conversations. We are obsessed with food. This obsession masks core issues of identity, worth, shame while fueling anxiety and depression. And the resistance to looking deeper is intense – understandably as it is much easier to talk about food than the messy, vulnerable, deep soul stuff.
5. Eating contests are a waste of food when so many are food insecure in our country and our world. In our country alone, food insecurity impacts about 15% of households. I often wonder about the positive impact companies and businesses that promote eating contents could make if they took their resources of time and money and fought hunger instead. We can change this demand by choosing not to watch and not to participate – which will shift how companies spend their advertising dollars.
Post your feedback below and let me know what you think about eating contests? Do you think binge eating is just a choice? I look forward to your thoughts on this controversial subject.
Happy belated 4th of July (take that perfectionism!) –
5 years ago today, Potentia Family Therapy, Inc. was officially incorporated in the state of California. After writing a (big) check to the state, I was given a fancy binder with some very official paperwork. I had a notebook full of ideas and dreams. My first child was a little over two months old, my husband was moving to a new school, and life as I knew it was very different. Blessed, full, and amazingly different.
Five years later, my family has grown from one to two kids, my husband has expanded the AP History program at his school (and is moving to a new AP prep this fall) and Potentia is now in a gorgeous space – home to a team of incredible professionals dedicated to helping people heal their relationships with food, their bodies, and their stories.
At Potentia, our team has high standards of care. We believe our clients deserve:
the best in clinical, legal, and ethical practice
healing (in their own time)
Words cannot do justice to the courage, the sacrifice, the character, the growth, and the miracles we get to witness at Potentia. Thank you to my friends, family, colleagues, mentors, contractors, and all those who have helped shaped Potentia from dream to thriving practice. You all simply amaze me. (You rock!) I am also grateful for this calling God has put on my heart which daily strengthens my faith.
But for now, we want to celebrate Potentia’s birthday! And what is a birthday without gifts?
Head over to Potentia’s Facebook Page and leave your birthday wishes to Potentia under the birthday post to enter into our birthday giveaway. Three winners will be chosen at random to receive a special mid-summer gift bag including a copy of Darling Magazine’s summer issue (which contains an article I was honored to contribute), sunscreen, lip gloss, a towel, and some other cool Potentia schwag.
Comments received up until 11:59PM today – July 16th, 2013 – will be eligible for an entry. UPDATE: We are extending this one more day until 11:59PM July17th. Yay!
Kayla Waler, MFT Intern at Potentia: So, we’ve recently tackled pertinent topics such as Paleo and gluten-free diets. My friends have expressed interest in a Q&A about juice fasts and cleanses. I know juice fasts and cleanses are popular, especially around certain times of the year…what can you tell me about this practice?
Megan Holt, RD, MPH, Ph(c) and Coordnator of Nutrition and Wellness at Potentia: In my experience, people tend to be interested in cleansing for one of four reasons: 1) weight loss, 2) detoxification, or 3) as a means of hitting a ‘reset’ button when they’re feeling particularly bad about their current diet or 4) for an energy boost. Cleanses usually involve one or more of these components: 1) a fast 2) some sort of product or regimen purported to remove toxins from the body, or 3) a colon cleanse.
Kayla: Let’s start by talking about fasting…
Megan: I tend to discourage fasting because it can reactivate disordered eating behaviors–whether that’s restriction or feeling out of control with food or feeling disconnected from hunger and fullness cues when one does start to eat again. I generally recommend against it for anyone who has suffered from disordered eating in the past. But for someone without a history of disordered eating, there’s really no harm in doing a juice fast or any fast for one or two days, as long as the person is hydrating appropriately. Beyond a few days, there’s no way one can really meet his/her micro and macronutrient needs for vitamins, minerals, fat, fiber, and protein through a fast (including a juice fast). So, if the fast is prolonged, say for two weeks, he/she will start to break down muscle tissue, resulting in a weight loss (muscle tissue is heavy and dense, about 1.7 or 2 times the weight of fat mass). This can’t be sustained without becoming malnourished, nor is it ideal to waste muscle tissue and lose strength. In such a state a person can expect to be in ketosis, a state characterized by elevated levels of ketones in one’s urine or a fruity or acetone-like smell in one’s breath. Ketosis is one of the hallmarks of starvation/malnutrition.
Kayla: I know detoxification is a trendy concept. What are the toxins people are trying to rid from their bodies?
Megan: Usually the claims about detoxification on these products are overstated and generalized/non-specific. Most refer to PCBs, lead, heavy metals, or environmental toxins like food additives, food coloring, pesticide residue, etc.
Kayla: And would a cleanse rid the body of these toxins?
Megan: Actually, there’s no evidence that a cleanse or fast would (although, as long as one is fasting, one is likely taking in less of these compounds, though they’re reintroduced once the fast ends). There seems to be nothing about a cleanse that is as beneficial as adopting a good quality of diet consisting primarily of plants and whole foods. But there isn’t much research out there; there haven’t been many high quality studies on cleanses because higher preliminary studies show no benefit. Cleanses are typically promoted by testimonials given by celebrities or people who have no training/educational background (major red flag).
One problem with cleanses/detox diets is that if someone had a poor diet before doing on a cleanse, they usually revert back to that diet afterward, as they often don’t build skills to enable sustainable changes. So, unless he/she makes a concerted effort to change diet and lifestyle, he/she will return to feeling just as poorly as prior to the cleanse.
Kayla: …because he/she is just reintroducing all the old stuff…?
Megan: Right. The benefits are not sustained and not sustainable. So if you wish to feel better, or are seeking the reported benefits of something like a cleanse or detox diet, the best bet is really working on changing quality of diet and increasing activity, both of which sustainably promote feelings of well being (without undesirable side effects).
And it’s most important to note that not everyone reports feeling better during or after a cleanse. Most people report feeling disorientated or lethargic, dizzy, weak, a little confused or groggy because they’re malnourished and not getting enough glucose to the brain to fuel proper cognitive processes and physical functioning. Some people often report feeling lighter, and I can see that because one may lose weight in the form of fluid and stool bulk primarily (and perhaps a smaller proportion of fat mass and muscle mass depending on how the cleanse or fast lasts). But most often, participants complain of weakness, confusion, or just feeling “out of it.”
Kayla: Then why do people believe a cleanse is beneficial?
Megan: In part due to the power of testimonials—some people do report feeling better. Certainly people can report feeling better after adhering to a really nutrient-dense juice cleanse for several days in a row. But when someone is coming from a place where their diet is poor, of course they are going to feel better when diet improves. The problem is that it’s short term. We know that fad diets don’t work in terms of sustaining weight loss, and cleanses/detox diets are not exceptions.
Some people notice that a one or two-day cleanse or fast helps them to break habits of mindless eating and get back to a cleaner quality of diet. For example, someone who takes a one or two-day fast or cleanse after the holidays. Having said that, if you’re someone who is willing to stick to a juice fast or cleanse for just a few days as a means of hitting a ‘reset’ button, then you’re probably also apt to resume your pre-holiday eating style without doing the cleanse/fast.
Kayla: I know fasting can be dangerous because of the risk of malnourishment. Are there other risks? Can a cleanse regimen be dangerous?
Megan: Cleansing and fasting can be especially difficult and contraindicated for people with altered nutrient needs due to illness (diabetes, kidney disease, etc.). So, prior to participating in a cleanse or fast, I’d suggest consulting first with your physician.
Kayla: Earlier, you mentioned colon cleansing. Will you explain what a colon cleanse is? Why do people do it, and what are the pros and cons?
Megan: A colon cleanse is usually performed with an enema, commonly salt water or purified water injected into the colon. The idea is to remove any metabolic waste that the colon hasn’t removed on its own. Conventional physicians usually don’t support colon cleanses because there isn’t evidence to support the reported benefits. The colon is self-cleaning… it does a really good job of getting rid of metabolic waste on its own. So, we don’t need a procedure to cleanse the colon. In fact, introducing a foreign object into the colon can actually be pretty risky. Perforation of the bowel is another big risk with colon cleansing, as are infections and electrolyte disturbances.
Proponents of the colon cleanse will say they are introducing higher levels of good bacteria and getting rid of “bad” bacteria in the intestines, but there is really no evidence of that being the case, and the introduction of good bacteria is something you can get from eating probiotic-containing foods and a primarily whole-food plant based diet.
Also, we have a liver and other important organs that perform that function for us without prompting. Environmental toxins can not be metabolized or cleared by a cleanse or fast, unfortunately. If you are looking to make a change to feel better, my advice is to follow something that is sustainable for you, preferably a nutrient-dense, plant-based diet—though not necessarily vegetarian—with a high intake of whole foods: fruits, vegetables, whole grains, legumes and plant based fats.
What are your experiences with cleanses and fasts? Have they been helpful or triggering of disordered eating thoughts and behaviors?
And thanks so much for your interest in this Q&A series. Please keep us posted on future topics you would like us to cover in future Q&A posts. Thanks for reading!
After getting the scoop on the Paleo Diet, I sat down with Megan Holt, DrPh(c), MPH and Registered Dietitian, to get more information about another popular diet craze–the gluten-free diet. –Kayla
Kayla: So, what exactly is gluten, and what is the gluten-free diet?
Megan: Gluten is a protein found in wheat and other grains, but it has been incorporated into a lot of different food products. Rye, barley, bulgur, triticale, some oats (due to cross contamination), and wheat products, of course, contain gluten, as do many sauces and meat tenderizers or seasonings. Gluten tends to slip its way into many products because of its elastic structure and ability to act as a thickener. A gluten-free diet is simply an exclusion of gluten, which means the diet rules out all of the pastas, breads, pastries, and cookies that are gluten-containing, but also many other sauces and seasonings.
Kayla: I know that I’ve heard a lot about gluten-free products and the gluten-free diet within the last year or two, but how long has this diet been around?
Megan: The idea of a gluten-free diet gained popularity about 5 years ago, but it really exploded about two years ago in conjunction with the Paleo diet. A number of studies have supported benefits of a gluten-free diet for certain subsets of the population, and largely as a result of the popularity, we have an increased awareness (and an increase in the number of people being tested). We are now more aware of the symptoms of gluten sensitivity, and, given the availability of gluten-free products on menus in stores, sticking to a gluten-free diet is far less stigmatizing and isolating than it was in the past. These are real benefits for people who are genuinely gluten-sensitive.
Kayla: What are the benefits of gluten?
Megan: There are decades of research that supports the use of whole grains in our diet. High intake of whole grains are protective in terms of lowering risk of major causes of death in the United States: cardiovascular disease, type II diabetes, metabolic syndrome (in part due to the fact that low intake of whole grains is associated with higher abdominal fat and obesity). Breads, grains, and pastas make up the bulk of the western diet (for better or worse), so one benefit of gluten intake in the US is that many of our grain products (which are gluten containing) are vitamin-fortified. So, we tend to get a lot of vitamins and minerals, like folate, fiber, iron, and zinc, from gluten-containing products. Of course, there are other, sometimes better sources for these vitamins, but gluten-containing products are a really common accessible source in the US. Finally, whole grains themselves are very satiating, and they contribute to sustaining normal levels of blood sugar, even more so than a lot of the gluten-free counterparts. One example would be whole wheat pasta versus (gluten-free) brown rice pasta. Whole wheat pasta is a little more stabilizing and has more fiber and protein than brown rice pasta. That’s just one example of a not-necessarily-healthier gluten alternative.
Kayla: Can you explain gluten sensitivity? What is the difference between that and celiac disease?
Megan: So, with the explosion of the gluten-free fad, we’ve become better at recognizing the symptoms of gluten sensitivity, which is milder than celiac disease and usually characterized by physical symptoms, with no damage to the small intestine. Symptoms can include: diarrhea, bloating, abdominal pain, rashes, joint pain, and other inflammatory symptoms. Celiac disease is characterized by an immune response to gluten, which can lead to the destruction of the villi in the small intestine, which can be severe and debilitating. Many of these folks suffer from serious nutrient deficiencies just because they can’t absorb what they’re eating, so the removal of gluten from their diets is imperative. But true celiac disease affects less than 1% of the population.
Kayla: How does one confirm gluten sensitivity or celiac disease?
Megan: Well, the gold standard to check for celiac disease is a biopsy of the small intestine to look for flattening of the villi. Some doctors will perform an endoscopy to actually look for damage to the small intestine, but some look to blood tests that reveal the level of antibodies that have developed. If these antibodies are outside a normal range (high), it may indicate a gluten intolerance or celiac disease. But usually people will just try an elimination diet–eliminating gluten and then reintroducing it and looking for symptoms.
Kayla: But that only works if you’re only eliminating gluten, not adding in other things, or completely changing your diet…
Megan: Exactly. Most of the people I see are just starting to pay attention to quality of diet or trying to improve their quality of diet and may feel like one the markers of improving their diet would be excluding gluten. When I see people who want to follow a gluten-free diet, what I typically ask them to do is see their physician to check if they can get a test to confirm non-celiac gluten sensitivity or celiac disease if that’s what they suspect. If there’s no confirmation, we work for a few weeks to clean up the overall quality of diet and I ask them to pay attention to the appreciable benefits they experience from simply improving the quality of diet. Then, we can exclude the gluten-containing foods, substituting them for something comparable for a month or so before reintroducing gluten and noting any symptoms. Changing the overall diet while excluding gluten is not ideal.
Kayla: Are there any benefits of a gluten-free diet for people without gluten sensitivity?
Megan: None that are evidence-based. If we’re just excluding gluten or substituting whole grains for gluten-free grains, then no, there’s no benefit. Moving away from genetically-modified foods and toward organic foods is beneficial, and this is a shift that is often made at the same time as one decides to go gluten-free. But generally, gluten-free products tend to be more highly processed and are not fortified, compared to many gluten-containing grains, so you actually get less fiber and have a higher intake of processed foods when you’re just swapping out whole grains for gluten-free grains–unless you have legitimate gluten sensitivity. That’s always the exception to the rule. For most of the clients I see, those who don’t have gluten sensitivity, reintroducing gluten after elimination brings on no symptoms, other than perhaps a bit of an adjustment to a higher intake of fiber.
Kayla: So how can someone going gluten-free for a legitimate reason do so in a healthy way?
Megan: There are ways to be gluten-free more healthfully, that are more than just swapping out the gluten-containing grains for gluten-free ones. For example, someone can get a lot of nutrients from beans, lentils, and other whole grains that are gluten-free like brown rice, amaranth, quinoa, and gluten free oats, or from fruits and vegetables. Using these foods as staples is very healthy. I’m a firm believer that you can have a balanced diet that excludes things you don’t want to eat or things that don’t make you feel well, but you have to be intentional about adding other food sources to make up for what you’re losing. You have to take a balanced approach.
Kayla: How can I tell if someone going gluten-free is really struggling with disordered eating?
Megan: Unfortunately, I often see people using the gluten-free diet in the service of disordered eating, that is, as a reason for restricting their eating. Then, if weight loss happens, it’s because of the restriction, not because their diet is gluten-free. If you’re concerned about someone going gluten-free, you can always suggest that they see their physician for confirmatory testing. Other red flags: Is he/she restricting food /calories outside of those that are gluten containing? Has there been an undue or unnecessary weight loss? Is he/she unable to enjoy food or participate in activities involving food?
We would love your thoughts on our conversation about the gluten-free diet. Post your thoughts and any additional questions for us in the comments section below. Also, let us know if there are any other diet or wellness trends you would like unpacked in future Q&A blog posts.
On my way to Potentia earlier this week, I listened to an interview on NPR with Dr. T Berry Brazelton. He is known as the “baby whisperer” and has been a go-to resource for parents for six decades. You can catch the whole interview here.
Towards the end of the interview, Dr. Brazelton shared about an encounter with a women in a grocery store.
It took my breathe away.
Dr. Brazelton saw a women struggling with her 2 year old while grocery shopping. The mother then began hitting her screaming child. In seeing this, Dr. Brazelton walked up to the mother and said, “It is so hard… to take a two year old to the grocery store.”
After those words, the mother immediately started to cry. She held her toddler and they began to reconnect and repair. The child even started to wipe the tears off of his mother’s face.
“It is so hard…”
This story gripped me in so many ways.
Spoken words in time of vulnerability, fatigue and overwhelm were medicine for this mom.
Instead of judgement, she received compassion.Instead of chastising, she received kindness.
And healing began immediately between mother and child.
I was so touched and convicted listening to the recollection of this story – as I have been judged and can also be the judger.
I have felt the judgements, seen the eye rolls and heard the whispers of critique about me or my children.
I have also stepped on my high-horse of “I am right. You are wrong.” when all someone needed was a hug and to be heard.
At Potentia, I regularly hear about experiences of condemnation, self-loathing, rejection, isolation, abandonment and the aftershocks these experiences have left on their hearts – rocking their souls.
It takes immense courage to speak of such pain. It is so hard…
being a parent
recovering from food and body issues
sitting in the aftermath of a failed marriage or relationship
feeling lonely and disconnected
trying to heal from depression, anxiety
being the person you are called to be
taking a stand
feeling like no one understands
asking for help
giving the undeserved gift of grace
receiving the undeserved gift of grace
believing you not an exception to God’s grace, love and sacrifice
not letting shame corrode your sense of worth and purpose
healing from sexual, emotional, physical abuse
forgiving yourself for being relentless in beating yourself up.
It is so hard to be human.
When times are tough, self care is down and the worst parts of ourselves come to the surface – we can feel unlovable, make bad choices, do harm to self or others.
And in those moments, we can choose to add to someone’s pain or help relieve it.
When we find ourselves in the dark zone of the messiness of life and are offered the hand of grace through kind words or gestures, we can choose to receive it instead of shutting down.
I think what made Dr. Brazelton’s words so powerful and able to penetrate this woman’s heart was his sincerity and the tone of his voice. He was disarming and genuine. Not condescending or patronizing.
But by the grace of God can I strive to live a life that facilitates healing and forgive myself promptly when my quick tongue rises up to judge someone or myself.
These words: grace, compassion, kindness – are words we are all drawn too. But to really live these words and put them into action takes guts. And tenacity. And the willingness to mess up and not be perfect.
I see this courage and determination in my office everyday. I see it in my kids and in my husband.
Just imagine someone approaching you with respect and kindness during a time of exposed “raw and real”.
And what if we stopped the eye-rolling, the judgemental thoughts, the whispers under our breathe but still loud enough to be heard?
And think of what our little worlds of influence would be like if we REALLY lived grace instead of judging and the distancing “tsk tsks”.
We judge in the areas we are most vulnerable. Fear drives these kinds of judgements. Getting clear on your vulnerabilities can help you be a vessel for healing in your own life and in the lives of those around you.
Giving compassion to self and others+receiving the undeserved gift of grace is like a cool glass of water on a hot day.
We are all in the desert doing the best we can.
It is so hard. Trust me. I know.
I may not know your specific experience but I know what it is like to be out there, exposed, afraid and broken.
And I am where I am at today because I have received from others, myself and God the permission to be a hot mess and find redemption in my mistakes.
Self-loathing is culture’s homeostasis and it is simply not sustaining.
It takes living from a place of love, confidence, selflessness and respect to be the person to give compassion as Dr. Brazelton did.
And love bombs like the one Dr. Brazelton dropped on the mother in the grocery story can create sustaining change in our world.
I have received love bombs this week from my friend Madison who came to help out my family while my husband was on a work trip. And words of affirmation came my wayvia emails from Nancy and Lauren and a voice mail message from Marc – all of which brought tears to my eyes.
I was struck at how their kind word and gestures were difficult to receive. But I sat with their love bombs – and they quenched my thirst to be seen and understood.
So my challenge to you this week is this: drop some love bombs in your world of influence. At least three.
Your love bomb may be an email to someone, a phone call, a text. You may go old school and write a letter. Whatever you do, keep these words in mind: It is so hard… And remember – Less is more. Tone is key. Let empathy – not distancing sympathy – guide you. And let us know about your experiences in the comments below.
I would also love to know about any love bombs that have been dropped on you lately. Were they hard to receive? How did you receive them?
Cheering you on –
PS. Potentia’s cornerstone workshop – Cultivating Courage – is an incredible place to get clear on your vulnerabilities, work on rewiring judgements and building resilience to shame. We believe this work is a game-changer in how we do all aspects of life. I would love to see you at one of our future workshops. Please email me at firstname.lastname@example.org with any questions or post them below.
Last week, two women I think the world of personally and professionally, Tara Gentile and Brigitte Lyons, wrote to their list of business owners and thought leaders about how fear, anxiety, and the “not enough” storyline can hold us back from living out our purpose; our calling. I am grateful for their words on a topic so dear to my heart.
Brigitte took my breathe away when she asked this powerful question in her last email,
“Are you letting fear keeping you from being found?”
And Tara had me saying, “Amen” out loud after I read these words:
“The stories we tell are the stories of the people we serve. But all too often we pay more attention to parroted beliefs and limiting thoughts than the actual, expansive stories that are playing out in front of us, with us.”
I have learned first hand your personal belief about yourself can nourish or kill creativity and the clarity on your calling.
So I am writing this post to all of you who are not writing, creating, launching, leading, speaking, not showing up because fear, anxiety and negative core beliefs are keeping you from living your purpose. I am writing to all of you who are afraid of being found.
Sometimes it is hard to discern between rationale fear and irrational fear.
Rational fear keeps us safe from death or harm.
Irrational fear tells us we will die or be greatly harmed but it is not based in fact – even though every brain cell firing tells us to stop, freeze, numb out and hide.
Sure, you can push back on irrational fear and its first cousins: anxiety, worry, stress which feed the “not enough” thoughts.
But changing the narrative of “not enough” is not always a simple switch to flip. And leaning on sheer willpower is not a sustaining source of change. When the willpower fuel tank runs out, shame and fear are the fumes that run our lives if we are not careful.
Trust me. I have lived seasons of my life on sheer willpower and these toxic fumes only to get burned out and crash hard.
Three years ago, I began to make plans to move Potentia from just a website to having a collaborative practice of specialized, highly trained professionals all under one roof in a space that felt safe, homey and inspired healing and creativity.
I had also recently given birth to our second child and had a lot of big dreams burdening my heart but struggled with finding the space and the systems to execute them.
I was full of joy but at the same time I also hit a wall with my own expectations of myself. Then the green monsters of jealousy, envy and perfectionism took hold and it got pretty ugly in my brain and soul. Given my season of life, I was tired and did not have the usual freedom to connect with my support system.
Where there is isolation, shame and doubt have a party.
I was my own worst enemy as God continued to prod at my my heart for me to trust Him and His leading of me and this dream He had given me.
God trusted me with this dream. I just did not trust myself.
I have found that the “never enough” belief is able to be diminished but if you are driven, desire excellence and have big dreams, then it never really goes away. This is a vulnerable and tenuous space to hold in your heart and mind.
I saw this tension in my previous careers in politics, advertising, international youth work and see this tension now in my work with my clients – many of which are filled with an entrepreneurial spirit as business owners, corporate executives, ministry leaders, creatives, educators, therapists.
Developing a practice of community, connection and self-care is a non-negotiable for any creative, dreamer, leader, parent, business owner ie: human.
And this is a life long practice.
This practice is one of shame resilience. A practice cultivating courage so we can all dare to show up, speak truth, ask for help, take a break, write the check, say yes, say no, press publish, send the email.
Managing fear and doubt is still not easy but these emotions sure as heck do not blind-side me like they used to. Studying disordered eating, trauma/distressing life events and shame resilience have had a profound impact on my own life.
As Brené Brown regularly says, “You study what you need to know.”
And I love supporting my clients and those in the Potentia community in their goals to (re) define health in their own life personally and professionally. Healing distressing life events, food and body issues, traumas and family of origin wounds are not indulgent but often necessary in order to have courage to bench leading, loving, dreaming, launching.
Your fears, worries and negative beliefs are not the enemy. How you respond to them is what jams you up.
Learning how to bench negative and intense emotions is key so these emotions can help inform you instead of paralyze you.
Potentia is offering three options to attend a Cultivating Courage Weekend Intensives this year so you can improve your ability to manage negative and intense emotions, identify and re-author the narratives of negative core negative beliefs and begin a practice of shame resilience. We would be honored to help you get unstuck so you can live your life to the fullest.
The world needs you to follow your calling, show up, lead, create and be seen.
What specific fear or belief is holding you back and keeping you stuck?
2013 has been full of some serious body image blues.
You know how it goes:
not feeling comfortable your skin
feeling like none of your clothes fit well
not wanting to see your image in a mirror or a picture
struggling not to be tempted by the false promises and quick fixes of the diet and so-called “wellness” industry
feeling less then, ummm, hubba hubba with your spouse
not wanting to be very social
playing the compare game
A couple things crept in that started to take away from my New Year’s calm and clarity (my word for 2013): lack of sleep because of all things toddler (winter colds, potty training..) and my newly diagnosed asthma. I was missing my time with my boot camp buddies – my one-two punch for social and active time.
I hit a wall. Right about the time I was doubling the staff at Potentia. We just completed two successful cohorts of our 8 week Cultivating Courage workshop and put dates on the calendar for three Cultivating Courage Weekend Intensives.
All good stuff.
I was super pumped about all these happenings but was getting really depleted and disconnected from my social support. My health was starting to suffer, too.
And in walked my body image blues right through the front door.
Shame said, “You hypocrite. You are leading these men and women to heal their relationship with their bodies and you do not even feel good about your own. You are a fraud.”
But here is where things took a different turn. My discomfort in my skin did not necessarily dissipate but how I responded to these thoughts and feelings took a rather radical detour.
I practiced, practiced and continue to practice my shame resilience skills. I dug in and wrote my daily gratitudes and read my daily devotions.
I got really clear on my needs and spoke them to my friends and family, not as demands but as requests.
I made my self-care – mind, body and soul – a priority and made sure my schedule reflected these values.
I practiced empathy with myself and others when judgements and crankiness reared their ugly heads.
I re-evaluated my boundaries and made sure I was not setting up walls which protect but also isolate.
I spoke my truth to my really, really safe people.
I now know I am enough even on days I do not feel enough. I can hold that space while I feel yucky and not attack my core worth. Some days it is a bit of a knock down, drag out fight – but shame resilience has helped me run the marathon of living life reflective of my values and my true worth.
Those who work in the eating disorder field are not immune to struggling with their own food and body issues.
And I am no exception.
It was pretty incredible to see how the ongoing practice of shame resilience kept me from dancing in the pit of self-loathing for very long. It has helped me practice respecting my body even when I do not like it much.
Yeah, I am not immune to these thoughts or feelings. But how I respond when they hit has truly been, well, awesome.
And as I say every day in my office, “Rarely are bad body image days about food, weight or the aesthetics of a certain body part.”
Negative body image is often the equivalent of that scratchy throat you get when feel you are starting to get sick. If you ignore the symptoms and do not take extra care to build up your immune system, you will get leveled and feel even worse, taking longer to recover.
And instead of going old-school and obsessing over weight, looks and what others think, my shame resilience skills are (almost) my default now and the obsessive tendencies to measure my worth by the number on the scale (if I had one) or how much I have worked out were not nearly as loud as they used to be.
This new response to shame has been so, so, so freeing and healing. Instead of fearing vulnerability, I have grown to understand and respect its place in my life – though I do not like the feeling of it most of the time.
Reading Brené Brown’s books over the last few years have been so helpful in building my awareness about shame and normalizing the universal experience of shame. I developed a whole new vocabulary.
But these last 9 months training with Brené, Robert Hilliker and the rest of the Connections team to complete my Certified Connections Facilitator Certification moved me from an intellectual insight of this work to a daily (well, mostly daily) practice.
I have seen the fruits of this practice in my marriage, my work as therapist and in my relationships with God, myself and others.
We have three Cultivating Courage Weekend Intensives scheduled for the remainder of this year: June 14-16, Aug 23-25 and Nov 1-3. And my colleague, Molly LaCroix, and I will be launching our 8 week Weekly Cultivating Courage Workshop Series in January 2014.
For those who are local, we have some digging deeper workshops which will be launching this summer to give people a chance to freshen their Shame Resilience skills or have a toe-in-the water experience with this powerful work.
And plans are in the works to take this work online so our Potentia friends outside San Diego can have access to this material, too. Make sure you are signed up to receive email updates so you can get the latest details on all of these happenings.
I would love to know what your questions are about shame and Brené Brown’s shame resilience theory. Please email me directly at email@example.com or post your questions below. If I feature your question in a future blog post, you will receive a copy of Brené’s most recent book, Daring Greatly. So don’t hold back, I really want to hear from you.
Working on being my own cheerleader while cheering you on, too!