(re) define Valentine’s Day
Another Valentine’s Day is here. At my house, there is an explosion of hearts: garland, paper, stickers, lights, plates, cookie molds, place mats, table cloths and more. It has been fun to celebrate love with the three people I adore the most on this planet and who are responsible for healing my heart+increasing its capacity to give and receive love.
But this day was not always a fun one for me. When I was in elementary school, I would measure my loveableness by comparing the number of valentine’s I received in my uniquely decorated tissue box and then comparing that amount with the booty my other classmates received.
In high school, I did not have a boyfriend (though I always had a crush or two) but would be privy to the elaborate date night plans my friends and their sweet hearts would make for this oh, so coveted of nights. It was fun to hear about all the fun ideas and caring gestures my friends would put together. Yet, behind my smiles and words of support, was a heart wanting to be seen + loved.
It was not Valentine’s Day for me. It was Vulnerability Day in neon lights.
Now, I am especially grateful for the people in my life day in and day out who show me continually what it means to be loved and feel loveable – even when I am far from that. I am thankful for a God who loves me in the fiercest of ways though that fact is so hard for my mind to comprehend in the noisiness of this world.
Yet, I am still keenly aware of how hard this day is for many.
It is salt on the wounds of loneliness, desire and longing.
This day can poke at the cumulative distressing life events stored in your heart+mind depleting your motivation to do what you need to care well for yourself. While I have seen EMDR help many experience healing from distressing events in their lives, I know safe and loving relationships are crucial for sustained healing.
So when I read Anne Lamott‘s Facebook post on Sunday, I was inspired. I also laughed out loud – because she has that way with her words – getting you to laugh about the most deeply painful experiences because she taps into what is shared by so many.
Here is an excerpt of her post:
I would estimate that approximately 17% of people enjoy Valentine’s day. Mostly, women will be given boxes of chocolates that they don’t want and can’t resist, and will be really mad at themselves for inhaling. Many people will be filled with resentment, anxiety, and guilt at having forgotten, or having shown up late, or having accidentally been having affairs with other people. Many people will feel a sheet-metal sense of loneliness and rejection. They will be comparing their insides with other people’s outsides, especially those happy valentines actors in advertisements and commercials.
Most of the day, except for the lucky few, will be a nightmare.
So let’s start an Occupy Valentine’s Day movement.
Let’s begin with the premise that another word for Valentine’s Day is Thursday. And on Thursday, as an act of radical self-care, we will celebrate the miracle that a few people love us SO much, that we can go on, and bear up, no matter what; that even though they know the darkest, most human and intimate and disgusting stuff about us, they still love us. In fact, they love us more and more through the years. This is so wild, and is really my only hope. It is what salvation looks like. A handful of friends is the reason my faith in God is so deep. Because they ARE love; they (along with the dogs) are my most obvious connection to divine love in this joint, the looks of love on their faces.
I think Anne is definitely on to something.
So let’s follow Anne’s lead and get all subversive on the current rituals and commercial imagery of Valentine’s Day. It is in need of a make over and I think we are up for the challenge.
If you are wrestling with feeling loved and finding meaning, please know you are not alone. Listen for the collective shout out’s rallying from those who are wrestling with their own heartache+despair. Look behind the masks of “I am fine.”, “It is no big deal.” and “Don’t worry about me.”
Hug. Write a note. Make that phone call. Send a text. Reach out. Listen.
Take the bubble bath. Wrap up in your cozy blanket. Listen to the music that evokes the emotions you are trying to numb out. Get outside and breathe in some fresh air. Let some sunshine radiate in on the darkness you are fighting.
I do not need a day to celebrate those in my life who love me regardless. But I agree with Anne Lamott: it is indeed a miracle to have their love. And that is what I am going to celebrate with extra care and intention tomorrow.
Who is the person you want to celebrate in honor of the love they have given you?
How are you going to show love and respect for yourself+others outside of the traditional hype tomorrow?
Do share! I want to celebrate with you.
Cheering you on –